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New Blog

I keep on starting blogs, then not having time to post, or not wanting to share teal and raw things, or getting upset about having no followers. I have however been keeping a diary since early July. I have lots of back dated rawness to add to the internet in the hope of reaching some kind I catharsis or helping somebody not feel totally alone. Today I need to write. I am hurting. I feel lost. I don't know who to trust. Most people who know me know that a couple of months ago I was admitted to a psychiatric hospital. Most people have probably gathered I've been suffering a while. I am afraid on reflection, that I may have walked so far down an unimaginable path of despair that most people haven't wanted to follow. I have been shown love. The church member who is a doctor in the psych unit who came to pray with me, sent me bible verses and gave a reassuring hand squeeze when I walked into church the first time since discharge. The ladies from my bible study who have turned up on my door step with food several times. The 2 work colleagues who visited me, and 2 other friends who also took the scary walk into a mental hospital whilst I just cried on their shoulders. My cousin, who, having experience if similar ill health hs been a reassuring and welcome companion through this. My husband who has settled well into his role as mother and housewife and carer for a bonkers wife. Today I need to write. I am hurting. I feel lost. I feel let down. I feel deep grief because I believe I have lost the respect of my dearest confidants. I feel I cannot be honest with my best friend. The person I have cried to, laughed with, prayed with. Within days of my admission to hospital she took information regarding me to other people, without my consent and shared it. Then under the guise of supporting me, 6 weeks later arrives to tell me she didn't have a choice. Nobody seems to feel my anger is relevant or just. In fact I have had my faith called into question. Even if I could understand the reasons for breaking this trust I cannot understand why my anger is not accepted. I cannot share this. It wouldn't be proper. I cannot because it is not fair. I cannot because nobody believes the mad ramblings of someone just home from the asylum. I cannot share with non christian friends because it doesn't bring glory to God. I cannot share with the church because it is unfair to create a rift. So I am alone. Whilst everything I say I know is related to others I do not feel able to do the same. So I am lost. And alone. Broken and sad. Back to why the new blog. The prospect of my kids going back to school and the theft of my job and voluntary work due to being crazy, means I need something to do. So I am not alone with my thoughts. So I can try and make sense of what has happened and who I am to be.

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