Motherhood, Madness, God and Me

Today my head has been full of voices. Going round and round. I hear N. I hear M. I hear S, my mum. Round and round and round. I know I shouldn't argue or try and make sense of them but instead notice, acknowledge and move on. I've tried distraction. I practice mindfulness. I don't say it's a bad day, or what is spinning round my head because I get called obsessive. I ruminate on things I've done, on what others have said or might say, what has happened and may happen. Over and over and over. My imagination takes over, filling in any gaps. Ruminating causes my anxiety to soar. I avoid people and places. Ruminating regularly makes me doubt what I hear and understand. Am I correctly recalling? It also leaves me vulnerable to others, who are able to tell me I am imagining things even though z I am not.

I find being in limbo very difficult. It's kind of like homesickness. I'm in a stage of waiting. Waiting for friendships to heal. Waiting to get well. Waiting to see what work I can find. Waiting to find out where we will find a church home. Waiting makes me anxious. I imagine outcomes. I worry about what is happening that I may not be aware of during quiet times of waiting. Nothing seems settled at the moment. I don't know where I fit. I feel out of control. Waiting for others to make decisions which will effect the outcomes for me. Sometimes it's easier to be depressed. So depressed that nothing matters. The future, what people think of you don't matter. You aren't planning to be here so you have nothing to worry about apart from your final act. Anxiety is trickier. What happens does matter. What people think does matter. Your relationships do matter. My GP suggested today that my exhaustion and related lack of motivation may be caused not by persisting

Day 8 Today I am grateful for my husband who always looks after me. In addition to my chronic depression I now have a kidney infection. He continues to care for me and our children. He tries his best to reassure me. He has been through so much this year with little support recently.

Why is sleep so easy to come by come 7 am. A sleepless night, tossing and turning, over thinking, heart racing. By the time the children wake I'm just about ready to sleep again. I try not to nap. In the hope that by the night I will sleep. No joy though. Today I will try to keep busy. I plan to clean out the pets, hoover and wrap some presents. That's my goal. My challenge. My experiment. Someone once told me to think of challenge as an experiment. There's no failure in an experiment. Just results. Either expected or unexpected. So today my experiment is to do some housework and try not to nap. My hypothesis is that I will not be motivated to do that. I will turn on the TV and fall asleep on the sofa. Waking having wasted another day.

Today I appreciate my friend Helena. A colleague from my last job who is so thoughtful and loving to those around her.

Day 5. I am appreciative of the NHS and advancements in healthcare. I've been watching the call the midwife box set recently, as well as my son and me being treated by the NHS. A century ago, probably half a century ago, my son would have died 2 weeks ago. My husband and daughter would be facing Christmas without a son and brother whilst their wife and mother was languishing in the asylum. There is still shame in mental illness and it's not talked about, but things have come such a long way. Day 6. I am appreciative I have family who love me. People who don't have an obligation to love me but chose to, and the impact this will ultimately have on my recovery.

Today I appreciate my friend. I've not known her long but she shines God's love on me everytime we meet. And she brings food. That makes her great 😊

I appreciate lazy weekend days, laying in bed, watching films and just being. I can't remember a day when none of us got dressed, where we didn't have somewhere to rush off to. It probably won't happen again for a long while but today was a lovely lazy day.

It's been two months since I attended church, but much longer since I have felt close and cared for by God. My prayer life is limited. Still just about intact. My ability to open the bible diminished. I don't know how to get it back. To feel His love and feel him holding me. Often people say our experience of God is through those around us. When you are isolated you have little time to experience God that way, or the experience instead is loneliness and abandonment. Even the kids didn't go today. My son still regularly prays, for me, for others, for the small things in his life but I am aware I am a poor example to them. My anxiety is preventing me returning to church. I have considered sneaking into bible study and then leaving ASAP. No time to connect, chat, answer questions. No awkward reunions or silences with those who would rather not be in my company. For now I hope God forgives me that all we could manage this Sunday was Veggietales on the TV whilst I lay ru

Appreciative Advent 2 My children's school. We went to the school fayre today. So many parents and children stopped to ask how my son was recovering. He received a lovely card from his class and when he's been collecting his sister he's had cuddles from the head teacher and big smiles from his friends. I love they are loved and looked after during the day.

I am still exhausted. My motivation poor although I can manage what I need to do, meetings at school, school runs, Christmas fairs and school plays. I don't really want to see anyone. There's a few people, my cousin, my old friend, but pretty much everyone else I dread putting the face on. Not having to continuously convince myself not to hang or drown myself has improved things. I guess I'd kind have hoped that the depression would also lift as suddenly. It hasn't. I would gladly spend all day under the covers and I completely honest that's where most of Monday will be spent. For a break from my head. My thoughts. For a few minutes I forget how shamed I feel. How low my self esteem is. How anxious I am and how much I worry what others think of me. Where I don't look around and see the piled of post and toys and washing that lead me to feel lazy and useless. So much of Christmas has always been around the church. Craft evenings, children's services, s

December is here. I can't really believe it. I don't feel at all Christmassy. I've lost most of a year. Advent is about waiting. Waiting for the saviour to be born. We are waiting in this house. Waiting for good health and normality to resume. So much darkness and despair in our lives the past few months it can be difficult to look past it and see the good. Appreciative Advent 1 My son returning to health after a serious infection and surgery. That we see his cheeky smile once more and get to listen to his wonderful ideas for life again is a real blessing.