Exhaustion

I am still exhausted. My motivation poor although I can manage what I need to do, meetings at school, school runs, Christmas fairs and school plays. I don't really want to see anyone. There's a few people, my cousin, my old friend, but pretty much everyone else I dread putting the face on. Not having to continuously convince myself not to hang or drown myself has improved things. I guess I'd kind have hoped that the depression would also lift as suddenly. It hasn't. I would gladly spend all day under the covers and I completely honest that's where most of Monday will be spent. For a break from my head. My thoughts. For a few minutes I forget how shamed I feel. How low my self esteem is. How anxious I am and how much I worry what others think of me. Where I don't look around and see the piled of post and toys and washing that lead me to feel lazy and useless. So much of Christmas has always been around the church. Craft evenings, children's services, setting up the stable in Sunday school, church coming above any commitments on Christmas day. It's now December. Nothing has changed. Another one of my planned "getting better dates" passing. So now I know I'll be here at Christmas. Do I feel excited or happy about it? No, not really. The sad fact is that although I no longer constantly think about and plan my own end, I know it would end my pain. I know it would be best for me. I don't believe it would be best for my kids, my husband though. The pain it would cause. I'm also not prepared for any more fails. Any more hospitals. Any more policemen. So I wait. Hoping that just as the need to end my life finally passed. This dark, exhaustion and isolation will too.