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Limbo

I find being in limbo very difficult. It's kind of like homesickness. I'm in a stage of waiting. Waiting for friendships to heal. Waiting to get well. Waiting to see what work I can find. Waiting to find out where we will find a church home. Waiting makes me anxious. I imagine outcomes. I worry about what is happening that I may not be aware of during quiet times of waiting. Nothing seems settled at the moment. I don't know where I fit. I feel out of control. Waiting for others to make decisions which will effect the outcomes for me. Sometimes it's easier to be depressed. So depressed that nothing matters. The future, what people think of you don't matter. You aren't planning to be here so you have nothing to worry about apart from your final act. Anxiety is trickier. What happens does matter. What people think does matter. Your relationships do matter. My GP suggested today that my exhaustion and related lack of motivation may be caused not by persisting depression but the fact my heart beats constantly at 50% faster than it should due to anxiety. I care about the support I get. What people write about me. I care because I have a future, even if it is a future I am waiting to discover what it looks like.
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