I thought September. That flew by pretty quickly though. Then I set half term as a goal. Nope. Christmas then. Surely I'll be better for setting up the stable and nativity plays. No. In fact things were worse than ever. No contact at all.
So...parish weekend. I love those. I love working with the children whilst they enjoy a special holiday with their friends and can be immersed in God's love for a whole weekend. No. That's today. I am not part of it.
Holiday club will come and go. Another failure.
Then soon it will be a year.
It's an unending, lonely expanse of isolation and sadness. How on earth can I be expected to walk into a church where I have been abandoned. Where my dearest friend is not allowed to talk to me.
I am forever tainted. You can make all sorts of promises about not judging me. All sorts of noises about loving us. The reality is when I needed to be held, you stepped away. When I needed to know I had purpose, you questioned my faith. When I needed a friend, you clung to your hierarchy.
I'm not stupid enough to believe that a leadership role is on the horizon. I don't buy that I am being protected either. It's about arse covering, not preventing harm to me.
Yes I'm impatient. I should trust that God has this in hand and all will be revealed one day. I am tired. Tired of constant sadness and feelings of loss. Tired of waiting.
I reached my life's peak at 30. A close relationship with God, serving Him joyfully, wonderful fellowship, two interesting and wonderful children, a nice husband, a good career, money, a lovely home. I was thin too! Everything was exciting! My career, my ministry, how in love with God I felt.
Now I am here. Tainted by a frightening illness nobody understands. Isolated from church, my prayer life far away from what it was. No job. A disabled child. A husband with a permanent worry line. Fat. No hope. I tried to cling onto my faith. For months my bible was all I had. All that was real. Eventually I couldn't see anything more in there. I felt betrayed by God's earthly representatives. Not betrayed by God but relationship with Him reminded me of everything I was and now wasn't. Everything I had and now didn't.
So as each date passes recovery seems a little less likely. As each date passes everybody else's life moves on. As each date passes I lose a little more hope. As each date passes another bit of me dies.
Pretty much exactly 5 months after my last church attendance I returned today. Since my last time I had only seen 3 people from the congregation face to face. People who live in my town. Who I've seen at least twice a week for years, I'd seen so few of them. Children had grown. Newborn babies now starting to move. Barely bumps now earth side. There were a few new faces too. We decided to go today because we had been invited for Sunday lunch by a couple from church. The sweet, kind hearted, godly doctor who was on duty the weekend I was first taken to hospital. I didn't give myself a choice this morning. I'd set up an excuse not to go for lunch already. Our car was broken. It was true, it was, but I knew it would be fixed in time to go. So I got up and we went. I'd spoken with my counsellor about not feeling it was my home any longer. That I wasn't part of the fellowship anymore. That physically I didn't know where to sit. Our usual seats, middle,front, with ...
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