I really do know it is silly. I feel silly.
A picture of a child, I used to see 3 days a week and haven't seen for months alongside a letter of thanks to my friend who is loved and highly regarded by others.
Her lovely Dad is very sensitive and a good friend to me. I wonder if that's why he added "children workers past and present". Perhaps he realised the impact of that picture would have on me. Or perhaps he didn't mean me at all.
That's what I am. Past. Six months is more than a break. Six months is a definite end.
I can't just "park" this. This is grief. Grief for my role, grief for the children, grief for my friend and grief for the lost sense of belonging. Perhaps time will be a healer. It seems to be a bit of an impasse. Nobody can talk to me until I am better and show it by coming back. I don't feel better or able to come back because nobody can talk to me.
I know these silly little things don't and shouldn't matter. I don't need to be told that and reprimanded. They do matter to me and I beat myself enough about it. I do think that perhaps people could reflect how they may view things in my situation. You have claimed it would have no effect, that you would cling to God and know your worth. Your world would not be shaken. Really? If the job you did most days, children who you care for like family, friends you talk to several times a day and the fellowship and encouragement from other christians was suddenly pulled from underneath you that you would not find yourself despairing, sad or even angry.
Yes I know we should praise God in all situations. I try. I would argue that loss would hit you how it hit me and you would question your usefulness and even your very character under criticism and following rejection. Understanding the reasons why helps a little. I do understand, I really do, even if I believe there were alternatives. It doesn't change the loss of so many things having a profound effect on me. Something that has never really been accepted. I am not angry so much at you but the situation and the insinuations that this is an unreasonable response.
How do you get better? How do you recover? Do you suddenly wake with hope? Do you feel differently? Do you just notice after it has happened? What is recovery? Is recovery real? How long does recovery take? Is it even possible? How will I know what recovery looks like? Why does it take so long? So long I gave up hope. What do I need to do now? To end this nightmare forever. I don't know how much longer I can bear this. How can I continue? To face another day. It feels like this will never end. They say it happens slowly. That recovery is possible for me. Do they really know that? Can it really be true? Is recovery possible? Is there a flicker of hope? Or is it just a fairy tale that's not truth? Each day that passes by, Hope slips further away. I feel this is life forever. The tunnel light seems dimmer. No hope, no light, just darkness forever more. I cannot see past this. The pain overwhelms me. I'm deep in a pit of despair. Recovery is a ...
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