Skip to main content

Done

I couldn't live in limbo any more. I sent the letter. I think this is it. It really is over. I'm not sure how I feel. I'm really sad. I don't know if it was the right decision. It is at least a decision. One under my control. The weight of responsibility lies heavy on me but it's a starting point for what life could look like. I'm still anxious. Obsessively checking emails. I don't know if there will be an answer at all. I'll have to have a time when silence will be answer enough. I still feel a shadow of myself. I cannot imagine a new life but I cannot live waiting to grieve for an old life which would never return. New things are tricky for our family. Three introverts and a boy who dearly loves his church family. Perhaps this is selfish of me. Perhaps we should carry-on on the edge of the fellowship. Perhaps this is an opportunity. Perhaps God's purpose has been revealed. Perhaps He wants us somewhere else. I just don't know. Lord I pray you use this situation to bring you glory and for us to do your will in accordance with your plans for us. Please help us work through this as a family. Please show us where you want us to be and let us be willing to listen. Amen.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Tomorrow a Poem.

Tomorrow is a new day, Full of new promises, When you rush through the day, Tomorrow is always there to say, Don't worry tomorrow it can be done, Tomorrow we can try again. Tomorrow's exciting promise, Every morning when you wake. A bit more time to finish today. More time to play They say Don't leave till tomorrow, Why you can do today. Sometimes tomorrow seems the same. Tomorrow is so different from today. No joy before you settle down, Tomorrow you'll still feel like you'll drown. What if tomorrow never came? What if today was the end. Would you regret the things you put off? Would you ponder if that phonecall, That text, that knock on the door, Shouldn't have been tomorrow's chore? Would you beg for another tomorrow? Would you mourn your yesterday. Today someone needs you. That phone call can't wait. A chat, a cuddle, a hand to hold, Responding may mean more than gold. So don't put it off, don't delay. Someone'
2 comments
Read more

Mindfulness

Mindfulness is not new to me. When I was in 6th form and was suffering huge family upheaval (3 house moves in years, new baby, new step dad, new siblings, contact issues with birth father, mother with severe postnatal depression and step dad going (successfully) back to rehab) the school nurse was asked to help me with my anxiety levels. She talked me through what I later learned (10 years later) was a mindfulness body scan. I was reminded of this whenever I met an anxious mother and would talk them through this meditation. One day, whilst myself working as a school nurse I came across the nurse who taught me this technique. She didn't remember me, and was now working in mental health. A mother praised how I had helped her with relaxation techniques in a meeting we were both attending. I admitted after the meeting that it was this lady who had taught me when I was 17 and anxious. I revisited relaxation during my first pregnancy. Hideous hyperemesis     consumed me. My mood low a
1 comment
Read more

Only you can save you

It was said kindly and it's true. Nobody can make me feel differently, except me. It lays heavy on my heart and has done all afternoon. I can't do it. I have tried. I have tried 'health visitor-ing' myself. I repeat scriptures over and over. I say to myself and my inner child that I am loved, lovable, precious and good enough. I have prayed for strength. I have prayed for peace. I've waited. I've tried my hardest to leave my pain, my shame, my failings at the foot of the cross. I listen to other Christians who repeat over and over I must trust God. That this will be OK, no brilliant, in the end. I say it over and over. Yet my heart is heavy. Not metaphorically either. It feels like a stone crushing my chest, restricting my breathing sometimes. It hurts. I know that none of you can pick me up and make this go away, even if you wanted to. Listening to me, holding me, it helps. It doesn't fix it though. I can't change my attitude towards myself. I do
Post a Comment
Read more