I am very lucky to have an amazing GP. He is holistic. He cares for our whole family. I feel awful for taking up so much of his time, and obviously his thoughts too. Here is what I would like him to know.
Dear Dr,
When I was first told to make an appointment after seeing a locum doctor I didn't know how lucky I was to be booked in with you.
Your gentle, calming manner. The mild obscenities to sympathise with how awful depression is. The way you never accepted OK as an answer and never hurried me out of your surgery.
Your ability to look further than a forced smile, which is more than most people have been able to do. I read your comment on my notes "deceptively smiley". The obvious concern in your face made me feel awful but that perhaps I was important to someone.
The way you have cared for my husband, chased appointments for my daughter, fought our corner with social services are things I am particularly grateful for.
I am sorry that you lost some sleep over me. I know first hand some days you can't switch the compassion for a client off. Thank you for going above and beyond. Phoning every other day. Phoning my husband when I did not answer.
I'm sorry I ran. It can't have been easy for you to have to warn my husband you would have to call the police if I did not comply. I'm sorry I can't come to you now with a big smile saying "We have cracked it. I no longer want to die". Truly I hope one day I can do that, and let you know what a real difference having you as our GP has made to mine and my husband's experiences the last few months.
Thank you for thinking outside the box. For referring me into the therapy garden, and for art therapy. Thank you for always squeezing me in, for sharing in our pain, for remaining hopeful when I couldn't be. Thank you for telling my husband to protect my precious life. Now I hear that and try to believe it's true even though at the time I was angry you couldn't see what I see. Thank you for your patience to manage within primary care, and your wisdom and decision when the time came to say enough was enough.
With the warmest regards
Me
How do you get better? How do you recover? Do you suddenly wake with hope? Do you feel differently? Do you just notice after it has happened? What is recovery? Is recovery real? How long does recovery take? Is it even possible? How will I know what recovery looks like? Why does it take so long? So long I gave up hope. What do I need to do now? To end this nightmare forever. I don't know how much longer I can bear this. How can I continue? To face another day. It feels like this will never end. They say it happens slowly. That recovery is possible for me. Do they really know that? Can it really be true? Is recovery possible? Is there a flicker of hope? Or is it just a fairy tale that's not truth? Each day that passes by, Hope slips further away. I feel this is life forever. The tunnel light seems dimmer. No hope, no light, just darkness forever more. I cannot see past this. The pain overwhelms me. I'm deep in a pit of despair. Recovery is a ...
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