Skip to main content

The voice

"You could you know. You want to" says Suicide "Yes I know but I can't leave the children. I can't bear to imagine their life without a mum" says me. "Can you imagine life with YOU as a mum?" laughs suicide "Surely a mum is better than none?" I wonder. "Are you sure?" Suicide questions. "Sure that's how you feel? You've been there!" "This I never going to end" cries anxiety. "Nope" agrees suicide. "nobody will ever trust you, you'll always be the mad one!"warns suicide. "You have over shared. People don't like us now." Cries anxiety "they laugh at us" Anxiety continues "I wonder if we will ever have our old life back? What if we don't. What if this closed off life continues. What if the children grow up to hate you. What if husband leaves you? What if he dies?" "I can fix this" smiles suicide. "no more pain. You have the promise of a wonderful life, no more tears." "But God has a plan" I cry out "He is working in this situation. He promises not to give me more than I can handle. God doesn't want me to die." "Maybe the vicar is right" anxiety says "maybe we have lost our way. Maybe this is a punishment because we didn't put God first" "No. We are precious to God. He loves me" I repeat again and again. "Why is your life so hard then?" Anger shouts. "why can't people see how hard you are fighting? Why did they betray you? Why can't you just sort yourself out." "I don't know what to do. Please help me!" I call out "There is a way." Suicide whispers. "I can save you" "No. Not here." I say. Suicide says "ok, you'll need to go out then. Let me show you" I see myself hanging. I see myself being hit by a car. I see myself drowning. "Feel that" coos suicide "that's freedom. I know you are tempted" "What if we fail" anxiety and me ask. Anxiety continues "you'll lose the kids. You'll have failed again" "Do it properly then!" Suicide jeers. "no texts asking for help, no telling about these thoughts. Just. Do. It." "I can't" I say. "You should. You are weak and you've ruined everything" suicide shouts. "everyone thinks you are a mess" anxiety says. "it's inevitable" suicide finishes. "this is your destiny." "I'm tired" I cry. This is in my head all.the.time. EVERYDAY. This internal battle. Where death is a tempting escape but something in me holds me back. 7 months. This has been whizzing round my head for 7 months. Is this good enough? It's been 10 weeks since I tried last. The day I was discharged I tried but stopped. Handing over my shoe laces to a member of staff. Nobody cared. Nobody asked why. I'm tired.
Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Tomorrow a Poem.

Tomorrow is a new day, Full of new promises, When you rush through the day, Tomorrow is always there to say, Don't worry tomorrow it can be done, Tomorrow we can try again. Tomorrow's exciting promise, Every morning when you wake. A bit more time to finish today. More time to play They say Don't leave till tomorrow, Why you can do today. Sometimes tomorrow seems the same. Tomorrow is so different from today. No joy before you settle down, Tomorrow you'll still feel like you'll drown. What if tomorrow never came? What if today was the end. Would you regret the things you put off? Would you ponder if that phonecall, That text, that knock on the door, Shouldn't have been tomorrow's chore? Would you beg for another tomorrow? Would you mourn your yesterday. Today someone needs you. That phone call can't wait. A chat, a cuddle, a hand to hold, Responding may mean more than gold. So don't put it off, don't delay. Someone'
2 comments
Read more

Mindfulness

Mindfulness is not new to me. When I was in 6th form and was suffering huge family upheaval (3 house moves in years, new baby, new step dad, new siblings, contact issues with birth father, mother with severe postnatal depression and step dad going (successfully) back to rehab) the school nurse was asked to help me with my anxiety levels. She talked me through what I later learned (10 years later) was a mindfulness body scan. I was reminded of this whenever I met an anxious mother and would talk them through this meditation. One day, whilst myself working as a school nurse I came across the nurse who taught me this technique. She didn't remember me, and was now working in mental health. A mother praised how I had helped her with relaxation techniques in a meeting we were both attending. I admitted after the meeting that it was this lady who had taught me when I was 17 and anxious. I revisited relaxation during my first pregnancy. Hideous hyperemesis     consumed me. My mood low a
1 comment
Read more

Only you can save you

It was said kindly and it's true. Nobody can make me feel differently, except me. It lays heavy on my heart and has done all afternoon. I can't do it. I have tried. I have tried 'health visitor-ing' myself. I repeat scriptures over and over. I say to myself and my inner child that I am loved, lovable, precious and good enough. I have prayed for strength. I have prayed for peace. I've waited. I've tried my hardest to leave my pain, my shame, my failings at the foot of the cross. I listen to other Christians who repeat over and over I must trust God. That this will be OK, no brilliant, in the end. I say it over and over. Yet my heart is heavy. Not metaphorically either. It feels like a stone crushing my chest, restricting my breathing sometimes. It hurts. I know that none of you can pick me up and make this go away, even if you wanted to. Listening to me, holding me, it helps. It doesn't fix it though. I can't change my attitude towards myself. I do
Post a Comment
Read more