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Only you can save you

It was said kindly and it's true.

Nobody can make me feel differently, except me.

It lays heavy on my heart and has done all afternoon. I can't do it. I have tried.

I have tried 'health visitor-ing' myself. I repeat scriptures over and over. I say to myself and my inner child that I am loved, lovable, precious and good enough.

I have prayed for strength. I have prayed for peace. I've waited. I've tried my hardest to leave my pain, my shame, my failings at the foot of the cross. I listen to other Christians who repeat over and over I must trust God. That this will be OK, no brilliant, in the end. I say it over and over.

Yet my heart is heavy. Not metaphorically either. It feels like a stone crushing my chest, restricting my breathing sometimes. It hurts.

I know that none of you can pick me up and make this go away, even if you wanted to. Listening to me, holding me, it helps. It doesn't fix it though.

I can't change my attitude towards myself. I don't feel I will ever accept that this is a sickness. A true, unavoidable sickness rather than a horrible flaw in my inner self. That this is not my sin being exposed and me being too weak spirited to fight it.

Perhaps better support and understanding from people I thought knew better would have altered this view, perhaps not.

I don't know how to fix this. I am doing all I can. Truly. I'm trying so, so hard and I am exhausted all the time.

I've always said nobody can fix this. I know it is my responsibility. I know that you saying that this must come from me wasn't accusatory, you weren't laying the blame on me (maybe you were but I'm trying not to be paranoid!) but I don't think I can do it.

I don't want to be like this and I know I have all the tools and knowledge to fix this. Nobody has yet said anything that has surprised me. I may be surprised you understood me but I've already come to most of the conclusions myself in my rational mind.

I've done all the CBT stuff. A whole book. Face to face too. I'm great at gathering counter evidence. I'm great at finding the origins of my thoughts and how they link to my emotions and behaviour. I can relax every hit of my body and watch my thoughts float away like balloons.

I have spoken about my parents. My early years. Abuse. Sex. My children. My fears about parenting. My low self esteem. Bullying.

I can't dig any deeper. I've nothing left. Perhaps today I really have accepted that the answer comes only from me. That is not a good conclusion for me to come to because I have no more answers. My heart is heavier than ever.

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