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I surrender

So after hours of tears, a counselling session and yet another marital shouting match I surrender. My counsellor said this is not the option. I shouldn't just step back and let them do what they want to me. I should use my voice now I've found it and trust myself, despite what others or my inner self say. I wrote my letter as suggested. My voice. Outlining my hurts and alternatives. My husband read it. I've been left feeling unable to send it. It might upset someone. Yup. Again. Somebody else might be upset. We can't have that. I owe her. I owe her my life. Do you know what? I hate her for that. I hate my stupid self for sharing with her. If I hadn't, if she hadn't, then I wouldn't be on this runaway train where my whole life has been ruined. I would be free. I would have died with a small amount of my dignity and reputation as a nice person intact. Now I don't know what to do. Be true and stand up for myself. Ignoring what might hurt others. Or step down. Give up and pretend. Pushing my needs down to be what makes others feel better and comfortable. So you win. I surrender. I accept that you are better than me. My views don't matter. It's not worth the effort. No meeting. No letter. Just a white flag.

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