My mirror

I read and shared a post about automatic thoughts today. Learned responses, internal monologue that type of thing. Unconsciously you learn about yourself from others. Over time this builds into automatic self assessments. I have been exploring how when people pass minor but careless comments they can mirror and provide evidence for what you have been told before. I learned very early that I had to be good. If I was good people would like me, I would be safe. My mum would be safe. I was taught I was a mistake. Unplanned and an inconvenience. I learned that I owed my family for keeping me. I learned that I had to cope. Nobody around me could and I had to. So when I cannot help people I feel I have failed. I feel I cannot pay people back for loving me. I am in their debt because I shouldn't be here. If I am not seen as quiet, well mannered, clever and kind I panic. In my head this means the world may fall apart. If I am not good then I will be punished. As a Christian I know that I cannot be good, and I won't be punished. Jesus has that covered. Unfortunately my brain has been shaped by early experiences. I can't help having these beliefs. As a health professional I know how early attachments and experiences physically shape our brains. I cannot just not think like that. So, especially when I am already working hard to disprove these beliefs about myself. Talk to the child who believed she was unwanted, in debt and had to look after everyone and be perfect to make up for the way her existence had ruined so many lives, somebody says "No you can't do that. You have done something wrong." Or points out negative flaws in my character, I panic. I use it as supporting evidence that I am indeed a mistake, an inconvenience. So saying people are "loving me sacrificially" is unhelpful. It mirrors my belief that I am a problem. Problems are unwanted. Having me around is a chore. I owe you for being my friend. Taking away a role from me removes my caring behaviours. The belief that I have to fix things. I have to serve others. Otherwise I can't be loved. I can't pay people back for being my friend, employing me, loving me. Yes you probably don't mean to. Yes this probably makes me a total failure as a christian. That doesn't mean that my feelings are not real, or in my head. My feelings are very real and if you look at the child who came before this woman she needs to be told that she enriches lives just by being her. That she is very much enough and wanted. The woman can know God loves her, she can know that as a child she should never have had to bear the responsibility of saving and protecting others, that her worth is as a precious child of God. The child hasn't quite caught up yet. It takes a lot of love and consistency to teach a child. As a parent I know that. My little child needs to relearn. Bad habits are hard to break. Positive reinforcements are needed. The messages I've heard since being unwell are that I am difficult to love, a burden.i I've failed in my helping and serving roles as a mother, wife, friend, employee, nurse and christian. I am not safe because of this, I am on high alert, waiting for the punishment, waiting for the upset and danger. Thirty years of self preservation won't just disappear. A few pills and a good sleep aren't going to fix this. Everything I have ever learned and believed needs to be relearned, reinforced. This is why your throwaway comments. The times I am left out. The times you highlight my failure and how burdensome I am are hurtful.