Though my mind is still racing I am finding words difficult to come by. My motivation still lacking, tears flow less often now, I don't allow myself to feel anymore. I crave normality but it seems so far away.
I feel terrified all the time. Terrified of never finding normality and health. Terrified of having to start again, of never repairing relationships and of going back to hospital. Terrified of the pills I take, of the words I might say, or the way people think of me.
I try to see recovery. Imagine what life may be like, remember what life was like. Look for the hope and trust and joy I once had. When feeling and sharing feelings didn't bring loss. Loss of friends, vocation and liberty.
How do you get better? How do you recover? Do you suddenly wake with hope? Do you feel differently? Do you just notice after it has happened? What is recovery? Is recovery real? How long does recovery take? Is it even possible? How will I know what recovery looks like? Why does it take so long? So long I gave up hope. What do I need to do now? To end this nightmare forever. I don't know how much longer I can bear this. How can I continue? To face another day. It feels like this will never end. They say it happens slowly. That recovery is possible for me. Do they really know that? Can it really be true? Is recovery possible? Is there a flicker of hope? Or is it just a fairy tale that's not truth? Each day that passes by, Hope slips further away. I feel this is life forever. The tunnel light seems dimmer. No hope, no light, just darkness forever more. I cannot see past this. The pain overwhelms me. I'm deep in a pit of despair. Recovery is a ...
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