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Tears

Tears tonight. Silent tears, popping for a cry in the loo, standing making a cup of tea so I can let them fall. I'm sure you've seen them but neither of us has mentioned it. You've had a hard day supporting your friend to care for his mentally ill daughter and his grandson. You are tired. You don't want to listen to another crazy lady. We always end up rowing about it anyway. We are still living this half life and I hate it. I try to pretend. I capably care for the children. I'm even looking for jobs. I'm actually going to give up though. I cannot move forward. I'm hurting. I feel let down. I feel isolated. Embarrassed. Sad. I feel stuck. Alone. This meeting is pointless. I already know that it's over. I just need to find a way to make that clear. I don't care they don't see my point of view anymore. It is the way it is. Our home and family for 8 years has become a wedge on our marriage and a strain on my health. Ranks have closed and I'm going to have to accept it. To do that we need to break it though. We can't be on the edge. I'm trying to have God without church. It's hard though. Church should be a place of encouragement. I find it hard to connect daily without having specific shared time with others. I'm unsure about my relationship with God. Perhaps something has happened. Perhaps that's why you need a break. I'm sorry you don't feel able to share with me. A lot of time has passed now. Each day the prospect of recovering our friendship seems to die a bit more. It doesn't matter what I do or say. You've made your decisions. I can't change that. Perhaps we will find another home. Perhaps we will settle once more. I know, deep inside that I will never feel at home with you again.

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