This is a really difficult post to write.
I have lost my faith. I find no comfort in reading the bible. I no longer hear God speaking to me. I can't find the words to pray. I feel no comfort when others say they are praying for me.
I'm sad. I'm heartbroken. I believe in God. That's not enough to make you a christian though. I have no relationship with God anymore. No desire to serve him.
So from passionate bible teacher to a hopeless, faithless individual is complete.
I lost my community a while ago. Fellowship with other christians has become impossible for me. I have clung onto hope that if I prayed and read the bible I would be healed. Everything would be ok.
So there we go. The last shred of my identity gone. I'm no longer a professional. I'm no longer primary carer for my children. I'm no longer in Children's ministry. I'm no longer with Christ.
I'm not sure where to go from here.
Pretty much exactly 5 months after my last church attendance I returned today. Since my last time I had only seen 3 people from the congregation face to face. People who live in my town. Who I've seen at least twice a week for years, I'd seen so few of them. Children had grown. Newborn babies now starting to move. Barely bumps now earth side. There were a few new faces too. We decided to go today because we had been invited for Sunday lunch by a couple from church. The sweet, kind hearted, godly doctor who was on duty the weekend I was first taken to hospital. I didn't give myself a choice this morning. I'd set up an excuse not to go for lunch already. Our car was broken. It was true, it was, but I knew it would be fixed in time to go. So I got up and we went. I'd spoken with my counsellor about not feeling it was my home any longer. That I wasn't part of the fellowship anymore. That physically I didn't know where to sit. Our usual seats, middle,front, with ...
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