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Stay strong for your kids

Even in here. Even from patients. You have hope in your children. They should be your hope. Leaves me questioning exactly how a mother could find death so attractive. Do you not love your children? How could you leave them. Living for my children has helped me. I have tried, tried and tried. Then, again, I'm spirited away in the night. They don't know when they can see or speak to me again. Most people agree inconsistency and waiting are more painful than just knowing. My children do give me hope. My want to be with them, see them grow and my love for them is strong. Sometimes the fear of the damage I am causing with the uncertainty and the example as needy, lazy and isolated. The blame I will feel if they suffer similar problems. So maybe I am no mother at all. Maybe I am 'unfit' as a kind policeman suggested recently. Then there's God. We as christians have hope in his name. This was the discussion in the reflections group this morning. I know the gospel. I know it well. I see no hope in his name though. I don't feel his spirit like before. Church is different to being a christian. Loosing the church doesn't mean loosing God. However having your faith questioned and godly people stepping away has had a huge impact on how I connect with the Lord. I sat and cried whilst two other patients tried to tell me I had hope. God has not turned his back on me. Repeating these truths I once held so dear, even when I was first unwell, makes me feel even more broken and failing. I just can't connect with it. So what sort of mother has no hope? What sort of christian has no hope? A person who deserves neither name or the associated joy.

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