Family

On Instagram I have been attempting to do a lent photo challenge with prompts from The Bible Society. Each day the prompt is a word connected with the gospel. Sometimes my photos are gospel related, sometimes they aren't particularly. I am finding reading the bible hard just now. I don't have the hunger I had a few months ago. I can't really remember the last time I opened my bible. I snatch little bits via online studies when I remember but this challenge is opening my mind up to what God has to say about things. Today the prompt was family. I have a large family. One day my a practice teacher challenged how I could understand poverty, suffering, different lifestyles as an educated married white christian woman with 2 reasonably spaced and visibly 'normal' children. Apart from the fact my circumstances in no way predict my empathy. I know some very good midwives who aren't mothers. Some very good health visitors who aren't mothers, or who aren't poor, or who don't have 6 kids under five. Empathy does not always come from having had the experience of someone else. What I hadn't shared was that whilst yes, my little family of 4 was fairly vanilla, I came from a broken home. The child of two teenagers. My childhood filled with alcoholism, mental illness and domestic abuse (aka the toxic trio). That I had cared for my siblings throughout my teens. That I was a victim of sexual abuse. My family were no strangers to suffering and challenge. As I said, my extended family is large. I have grandparents still living, parents, a step parent, a sister, a half brother, step siblings. I'm close to my cousin and see her children as my nieces. I have nephews. A niece. In laws. I also have friends. I have a church family. As a christian I am blessed with a parent who is nothing but perfect. He calls me to have a relationship with him, and His other children. As humans, and I guess like earthly siblings relationships can be tricky. Also as with a member of your earthly family, loss whether through relationship breakdown, distance or death is devastating. When my step siblings stopped coming every weekend I missed them. I was almost grown up when I got them but still I mourned our family changing again. Similarly when my good friend from church went back to America, shortly followed by another, I was sad. When I say goodbye to her after she visits the UK I still feel a familiar lump in my throat reminding me how sad her going made me feel. So when you lose a friendship. A friendship that was colleague, friend, motherly, sisterly and spiritually, are you not to grieve as you would if a sister or parent refused to answer your messages, blocked you on Facebook and stopped visiting? Of course not! I am blessed with friends in my church who have remained steadfast. I am blessed to have wonderful relationships with their children. I have always strongly believed it takes a village to raises child. My village was the church. Parental guidance from the bible, wise aunts to offer wisdom, the opportunity to be the wise aunt at times for others. My children thrived in their family. We lost our village. For whatever reason, whether my illness, people's fear and judgement, or just not being the right fit, the village we had been part of for almost a decade was no longer a place of love and nurture. Just like in a normal family. Rifts cause gaping wounds. Bereavement is not just about physical death. So what now? I don't know. I have my little family. Who are far from perfect as this last year has shown. I have a parent I can trust completely. I think that's a tall order for somebody who has never had a particularly reliable parent. As I know, one stable parent figure is enough to build resilience. Perhaps I need to stop looking for that relationship so literally, on earth. Perhaps I need to remember I have that person and always have. It's hard being on the edge of a family. I often felt like an extra in my husband's family, and, being much older than my siblings, my own family. Fun fact there is almost the same age gap between my mother and me as there is between my brother and I. I sought belonging. I sort to be part of a family where there was no politics. No competition. No winners and losers. Somewhere to belong. I know I belong with Christ. I know He chose me! I still don't belong though. Humans crave social interaction, love and affection. It's biology. It's our design. That's why it's important to be part of a church. I have missed that so much.