Skip to main content

Samaritans

I can't say the words out loud. I can usually type them, and if the right question is asked they tumble out of my mouth quickly once I've started.

I can't just say "help me" or "I'm scared". Even when asked it is difficult to get started.

The past few days I have been texting the samaritans. It's quicker than emailing but easier for me than phoning and also more private for me too. It takes around an hour for a reply, sometimes less. This is useful for me as my most helpful strategy is delaying action.

The straight forward question threw me last night. Even by text I had not actually used the words. I had explained how I had planned. How pointless and hopeless I was feeling. A few hours in I received a simple reply.

Do you want to end your life?

Not "have you had thoughts of harming yourself?" or "do you have a plan to harm yourself? 

I'm not sure that it was that plainly asked ever before. I struggled to answer. The questions above I am asked often and the honest answer has been yes for the past year. I couldn't say a straight yes to this question though.

I don't want to end my life. Does anyone really want to? Does anyone want to know at they will be mourned greatly by even just one person? Does anyone want to dive nose first into uncertainty? Even those of us with great faith know that not all has been revealed yet.

I don't want to live. Not like this. I can't see a change happening or a future. I really am left with 2 unappealing options, I want neither. Like the choice of dying of thirst or dying of cholera.

I'm not sure I know the answer. I am grateful to the people (it's clearly more than 1) who spent their night reading and replying. Not judging. Using kind words and giving me food for thought.

I knew if I took the decision I wouldn't be alone in that. It's not love. It's not a friend holding my hand. It is compassion though. Compassion goes a long way.

07725909090 is the text number for The Samaritans. It is not widely advertised (email, phone and postal contacts are).

Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Coming home

Pretty much exactly 5 months after my last church attendance I returned today. Since my last time I had only seen 3 people from the congregation face to face. People who live in my town. Who I've seen at least twice a week for years, I'd seen so few of them. Children had grown. Newborn babies now starting to move. Barely bumps now earth side. There were a few new faces too. We decided to go today because we had been invited for Sunday lunch by a couple from church. The sweet, kind hearted, godly doctor who was on duty the weekend I was first taken to hospital. I didn't give myself a choice this morning. I'd set up an excuse not to go for lunch already. Our car was broken. It was true, it was, but I knew it would be fixed in time to go. So I got up and we went. I'd spoken with my counsellor about not feeling it was my home any longer. That I wasn't part of the fellowship anymore. That physically I didn't know where to sit. Our usual seats, middle,front, with ...
Post a Comment
Read more

A bed day

Today is a bed day. It's one of those days when I know I am safe if I sleep. It's a day when the energy to unload the washing I started 2 days ago evades me despite knowing there are no clean jumpers for school tomorrow. It's a day when the pyjamas are spread round the lounge, last night's washing up remains littered around the kitchen. The curtains are closed. It's a day when I hide under the covers wishing I had never made a stupid contract not to harm myself with my therapist. It's a day where bed really is the only thing I can manage. Where I would love a friend to come and hold my hand but I can't reach out to anyone to do so. Today is a day when I realise why my mother spent so much of my childhood in bed and fear my children will grow up with the same feeling of abandonment that I did. Where I feel both pain, shame and loss all at once. Today is a day my husband will carefully check I am still breathing when he comes in. Just in case. Today is...
Post a Comment
Read more

Crisis

So ....your GP informs you he has spoken to a lovely, sensible lady who wants to come up with a decent plan to support you. They will phone you to discuss. Midnight arrives and you hear a hammering at your door as 2 people turn up unannounced and don't listen to anything you say. They've read your notes and assume your children are on a child protection plan and that you are having group therapy. Neither are true and are judgements based on documentation that is disputed by other professionals. They do not seem to believe that nothing recently has triggered this and seem to think it's some whim and you've now changed your mind. There is nothing they can offer. Phone if you need to. They repeat the same over and over. Go into therapy with an open mind. Call us and we will help you. Followed by that  there is nothing they can do to help you. You tell them you have missed your opportunity for now. You are tired. You are fed up of being judged and belittled. You agree t...
Post a Comment
Read more