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Samaritans

I can't say the words out loud. I can usually type them, and if the right question is asked they tumble out of my mouth quickly once I've started.

I can't just say "help me" or "I'm scared". Even when asked it is difficult to get started.

The past few days I have been texting the samaritans. It's quicker than emailing but easier for me than phoning and also more private for me too. It takes around an hour for a reply, sometimes less. This is useful for me as my most helpful strategy is delaying action.

The straight forward question threw me last night. Even by text I had not actually used the words. I had explained how I had planned. How pointless and hopeless I was feeling. A few hours in I received a simple reply.

Do you want to end your life?

Not "have you had thoughts of harming yourself?" or "do you have a plan to harm yourself? 

I'm not sure that it was that plainly asked ever before. I struggled to answer. The questions above I am asked often and the honest answer has been yes for the past year. I couldn't say a straight yes to this question though.

I don't want to end my life. Does anyone really want to? Does anyone want to know at they will be mourned greatly by even just one person? Does anyone want to dive nose first into uncertainty? Even those of us with great faith know that not all has been revealed yet.

I don't want to live. Not like this. I can't see a change happening or a future. I really am left with 2 unappealing options, I want neither. Like the choice of dying of thirst or dying of cholera.

I'm not sure I know the answer. I am grateful to the people (it's clearly more than 1) who spent their night reading and replying. Not judging. Using kind words and giving me food for thought.

I knew if I took the decision I wouldn't be alone in that. It's not love. It's not a friend holding my hand. It is compassion though. Compassion goes a long way.

07725909090 is the text number for The Samaritans. It is not widely advertised (email, phone and postal contacts are).

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