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When the words don't come

I cannot say the words. There are no words.

I don't want to phone. I don't know what to say. I don't want to waste anyone's time or you to think I am seeking attention.

If I did phone I'm afraid of what might happen. What you will do. Who you will call. Who it will hurt.

I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say apart from help. Take this from me. Make it so everything is normal. So I don't want to leave. So I don't feel alone. So I am not judged, wasting time, making everyone unhappy.

Help me. Please help me.

It hurts. I don't know how I can live anymore. I don't see a future. Although I have made plans, they are things to love and serve people. Activities for the children. Lifts for relatives. They fill me with dread. I even applied for a job but the interview offer sits unanswered. Scared of facing more rejection, or worse failing at something again.

I've got the time. I've got the resources. For me there is no concern. My concern is my husband and children. I don't want to to hurt them. I don't care if I die. I wish it wasn't like this. I can't bare seeing our lives fall apart because of me. I just don't want to be here. I am so confused and feel so alone.

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