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Birthdays and Depression

Happy Birthday to me. If only it were that easy.  It has been lovely. I am really grateful for my husband and children. I had the usual random gift from my children (something they would want for themselves. Today a giant cuddly toy), lots of bits from my husband who put a lot of pressure on himself to create a perfect day for me. We went out together. Then we baked and did some craft.

Then my family arrived. It's so hard. On your birthday you are supposed to be around your family. People who have been at your birthdays all your life. For me that's not so easy.

My mother. Remembering my grandmother is deaf but forgetting I am not, she began to comment on how very miserable and stroppy I am. I heard. My husband confronted her, no apology, not even denial, just that she hadn't meant me to hear.

Mother 1 strikes a birthday blow.

Mother 2, my surrogate. My friend who filled the void for me.  No contact. No text. No FB post (not expected as she has blocked me). Nothing.

I should be happy. I've had a lovely day and my in laws and husband and kids have been amazing. I'm blessed. So, so blessed.  Depression doesn't just shift because you get a lie in and nice presents. It's nice to feel loved. I do feel loved. Sort of. I don't feel lovable. I don't understand why people do love me.  I feel that perhaps it's a duty rather than love.

Yet again my mothers let me down and I'm hating myself for getting upset because I didn't expect anything different. I hoped though. I always have hope in others.

I'm grateful. I'm trying to show it. It's so hard when the ones you want to love you so badly, don't, or are unable to. 

But there are lots who do love me. Who deeply care and I don't want to insult those who do show me. I know the issue is how I see myself. A birthday doesn't improve that. It worsens. It's a day when you review your year, your life. Often baby photos appear etc.  What happens when your year has included losing your work, your friends, countless attempts to escape this life and a 4 stone weight gain? What happens when all you can see in the next year is more of the same or worse nothing at all?

Happy birthday to me.

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