The Bad Guy

I am so sick of being cast as the Bad guy around here.

I'm trying so hard to fight against having the view that I am an awful person who is unworthy of love, recognition or kindness.

It sucks when your automatic view is to blame yourself and convince yourself of responsibility for all the sadness in the world.

Some people just can't help piling on more evidence that these beliefs are in fact true. I didn't always feel I was bad. I used to think I had to be good and I had to be kind and do what I was told, and put in 100% and never fail. I had high standards but although I felt I always could do more I felt that most the time I was almost there, that at least I tried to do the right thing and generally was a good intentioned person.

I am very much the bad guy at the moment. My family expect me to carry things for them, if I can't, or I disagree, I am publicly berated on Facebook, or abusive or passive aggressive messages are sent to me. I am the bad guy in my friendships too. A relationship breakdown where one person is loved, supported and included and the other is forgotten and her motives, faith and general personality questions leaves little guesswork at who is believed to be at fault.

My husband and I have frequent discussions where he believes I expect too much and don't show gratitude. 
Sometimes, no, I am not grateful.  I am not grateful that having been my biggest confidants I was ignored for months  they now say "good morning" on one occasion. I am not grateful that they haven't asked me to leave.  It is nice they did, but it does not make up for the sense of grief I have endured, the same way my apologies, my return and my access of therapy have not made me more palatable for one to be around.

My efforts are ignored. They always have been as it just became expected. I hate feeling self pity. I hate it. I hate feeling bitterness and injustice. 

I hate being dismissed by my family as selfish for considering mine or my children first and therefore not running around for others, or requesting slight changes for arrangements. I hate being labelled as a problem by my friends.

It goes back to my previous belief. People don't like it when you challenge their expectations. Like I have not liked others falling short of my expectations that my family will show unconditional love, my friends will not break their promises and my husband will fight in my corner, others have not liked me stepping away from caring, standing up to stigma and injustice or generally trying to improve my happiness.

So I am the bad guy.  The problem. The outcast. The failure.  I need to decide if I can live with that and find a new way, or if it's safer to return to old habits. Say yes whatever the implications to my health and happiness, not use my voice, be compliant.