Motherhood, Madness, God and Me

I wrote this back before my hospital admission. I think I wrote it whilst at the GPs when he was trying to get me admitted. The day he told my husband to look after me because I was precious. Here it is... Sometimes, you can really want someone just to say "I know you aren't ok. I love you anyway". Sometimes you have been waiting for contact all day and have so much you want to say but you just can't find the words, so you have nothing to say. Sometimes everything that has been said, shared, leaves a big gaping hole. You can't find more words to bridge it. Sometimes you just need nurturing, loving. To be vulnerable and that to be ok. No sharing of experience, no problem solving just a warm hug whilst you cry. No expectations. "I know this hurts. I understand" would mean so much right now. Sometimes all you want to say is "you have hurt me" and be able to move on and not worry about the consequences. To be honest and not have it thrown ba...

I am aware I am fat. I have gone from an 8-10 to a 16. I have no idea how much I weigh but it's a long way off the 9st I weighed 6 months ago. A lot of the weight is on my boobs and tummy, so yes sometimes it looks like a bump. I'd like to think less so now I've finally given up trying to squeeze into my old clothes and instead swallowed my pride and hidden the 8,10s and 12 clothes at the back of the wardrobe. So no I am not pregnant. I would dearly love a third. A fact most people who know me are aware of. However my husband is done, I've had hyperemesis once (before Kate made it cool) and postnatal depression twice. Given recent events my husband is too terrified to impregnate me despite my daughter dropping "Jack and Georgia's mums have loads of babies why can't we just have one?" into at least one conversation a week and my son discussing "when God decides we can have another baby..." at regular intervals. My womb is suitably full of c...

Today I received a report, which despite quoting sections of three medical reports supporting my daughter having sensory processing difficulties (fact) and behaviours which may be indicative of autism, stated her behaviour was a result of "what she has witnessed in the home". The author also stated she has no evidence of this. I straight away messaged my go to friend for "slightly odd kid" discussions, a friend I met 7 years ago when our daughters were babies. This lady has a knack for fighting and honestly I don't know what I'd do without her when times are tough with my daughter. There is a lot of research and anecdotal evidence of girls masking their autism at school. Excellent chameleons they are able to copy their peers and behave the same. It is often not officially diagnosed until adolescence by which time they usually have other mental health difficulties due to lack of support. Pretending is tiring so once they get home the 'break out'. ...

Did you know heartache can be a physical pain? You are overwhelmed with sadness and in your chest you feel your heart breaking. Now I have a Batchelor of Science, I know my heart is not really being torn in two. It feels like it. The pain in my chest when I become overwhelmed. Heart ache is real. It physically hurts. As tears roll silently down my face I want to scream out in pain. Death would be a welcome relief both from the physical pain and the emotional. I cry out to God. I feel so distant from others. My friends, my family. I desperately want to feel their love but interactions seem to remind me that I am being punished. That nobody understands. I desperately want to share these feelings. Nobody understands though. That makes the heartache worse. I know I am not alone. God hears my cry. Today we ended Psalm 119. When all your emotional connection feels distant you can still rely on the unchanging word of God. So I repeat truth from the bible. I remind myself I am covered i...

Thank God it was sunny when I left the house. It meant my red puffy eyes were hidden from view. Today is a bad day. There were triggers, nothing major but my afternoon was spent crying. Crying for the old me. Crying for the way things were. Crying for the version of me who was capable and reliable. That night I did die. I descended to a different place. A place of medication which makes you fat and tired. A place where people fear you. A place where you are always going to be remembered as the one who tried to kill herself. A place where confidential conversations are shared "in love". I tried to hold it together until I was alone. Desperately trying to keep up the appearance of recovery. It didn't work like that though. I almost made it but as my friend left I couldn't help out. Our friendship kind of illustrates to me how much I have lost. I'm still angry. I know none of this is her fault. It's all just such a mess. I wish I could share openly once aga...

https://www.thegospelcoalition.org/article/hearing-god-in-the-midst-of-suicidal-thoughts I found this article whilst trying to convince myself God would understand if I killed myself, or that God didn't want me, or anything that might make it easier for me to escape the darkness. I really found it helpful to look at it from a sin point of view. Not in the way Job's friends did, blaming Job for his suffering. Instead that the world really is a dark, depressing place. To feel the weight of this fallen world is accepting that Jesus really is the only answer. It's my sin, but also that sin has corrupted the whole world. I still feel terrible that despite knowing and desperately wanting to see my true worth in God, knowing he has plans for me, knowing that suffering is only temporary and doesn't compare to the joy that is coming, I still felt I had no escape. No other option. Am I that faithless? Even though, as I lay dying, I was calling out to Him to take me, to save m...

I want to write some thank you notes to people who have cared and loved me. Thanks to GP. You have been wonderful I supporting both me and my husband. Your faith that you could make me better, your compassion and gentle understanding manner has been a true blessing. Thank you B. Your regular texts and meals on wheels (thanks other ladies for your home cooking). Thanks for understanding bad days. Thanks for still wanting to meet up. Thanks I for just being normal. We went camping after I came home from hospital and it was like nothing had happened. I cooed over your baby and felt more myself because of you. G, thank you for sending me a gift to remind me I am safe in God's hands. J, thank you for being a foul mouthed crazy loon who I'm blessed to be related to. D, thank you for your professionalism, for coming to pray with me during your working day. For sending verses to meditate on. For answering my questions and reassuring me. You being on all probably stopped me being...