Motherhood, Madness, God and Me

Would you walk by the tearful man on the bridge? Would you run past the girl crying at the train station? Would you drop a line to somebody sounding down on social media? Would you tell yourself when you saw their smile beaming from the newspaper after their death that there was nothing you could have done? Let me tell you. You could save a life. The Samaritans #smalltalksaveslives campaign highlights this. A small kindness, even an acknowledgement. A small effort, could give strength for one more day. A dog walker saw me. I had a rope round my neck but wasn't yet hanging. It was dark. I held my breath but his dog came to sniff me. He shone a torch towards me and called the dog away. He walked on by. I have asked for support for a client who wants to end her life to be told she doesn't mean it. Leaving me no choice but to leave her and wait anxiously to see the news the following day. I have been sent home alone in a taxi in the middle of the night after a suicide attemp...

Suicide Sensitive When I died my head hurt. The world was spinning round, Everything was white, I could still hear sound. When I died I felt peace, Everything seemed still, No regret, not sorry, No more days to fill. When I died a fire, Grew inside my head, White hot explosions, Soon I would be dead. When I died I felt like, Life was slipping away, It seemed to take a while, When I died that day. Except I didn't die, I woke to lights of blue, Cold, wet and frightened, Not knowing what to do. I cried because I lived, Worse was yet to come, Surviving your death, Isn't that much fun. That quietness over, Peace shattered again, Relentless questions, All the whys and whens. Dying hurts a bit, Surviving hurts more, Stares, tears and shame, More than was before. Dying isn't easy, But better I feel, Than living in a mind, That will refuse to heal.

What does it feel like? What is dying like? Do you see your life, Flash before your eyes? Does it hurt to die? Is like sleeping? Do you walk to light? Or fall to darkness? Do you know you're dead? Do you float above? Out of your body, Watching overhead. Do you feel at peace? Do you feel regret? Can you change your mind, If you choose to live? Do you see the Lord? Does he hold your hand? Does he welcome you, Home to rest in peace? Do you go to hell, Falling fast and hard. Perhaps you didn't love, Jesus after all. Do you just decay, Body in the ground, Eaten by the worms, Flowers growing round.

People will speak of surprise. She seemed so well. She looked so happy. She had so much to live for. Why didn't she ask for help? How could she leave her children? Is it really a surprise? Loosing my mind. Loosing my job. My parenting investigated. My body pumped full of poison. The loss of my community. My friends. Alienated, blocked, ignored by those I thought loved me. I did not want to leave my children. To be honest they bought me an extra year. They deserve better. They will get it without me in the way. I did ask for help. Several times. Help isn't there. Removing freedom doesn't save people. It just makes it harder to ask for help. Nobody has been able to lift me from this pit. Asking for help involves switchboards, receptionists, knowing that nothing will improve the physical pain, knowing that when you get through they will wonder why you bothered phoning if you really want to die. For me this is not a surprise. This is not an impulse. This is being too t...

I know I am loved. I often can't see why. I know my children love me. I don't think they could quantify why though, I perhaps wonder if it's just that they have been trained to love me, it's expected that small children love their mothers. I know my husband loves me. I wonder if it's still the love for a wife, or it's that he is my best friend, or it's a dutiful love. He married me and now he's stuck here. There are others I know care. I know I have friends who care. Again I wonder if it's a duty thing again. It's been implied that church members love me sacrificially. They are required to love me. Although some obviously do that more than others. I have some wonderful professionals looking after me, as well as some who, well, are not so great.  Again, some you can see do care. They care how I have cared and had fondness for some of my clients. They care, but they are paid to. Today was a bit of an eye opener. I said that I didn't want t...

There is a place in this world that only you can fill; and when you do not take this place it will always remain empty from the beginning to the end. You are not for nothing in this world! You are a building stone of the universe! It depends on you! You must be there!   PAUL KLEE {1939 } My counsellor shared these words with me today. I've decided to share them as it is World Poetry Day. A me shaped hole. I've often heard of the God shaped hole in a person's life. I'm sure some of my Christian associates believe this is true about me. I've not thought of a me shaped hole. I've pictured the world without me, but never as a gap. I've thought about being a missing mum. That was a mum shaped hole, not a me shaped hole. You are not for nothing in this world. I'm not sure I have left any mark on the world. My counsellor is so gentle. She very sensitively asked me to consider what my expectations of dying were. It was strange to hear such harsh soundi...

I can't say the words out loud. I can usually type them, and if the right question is asked they tumble out of my mouth quickly once I've started. I can't just say "help me" or "I'm scared". Even when asked it is difficult to get started. The past few days I have been texting the samaritans. It's quicker than emailing but easier for me than phoning and also more private for me too. It takes around an hour for a reply, sometimes less. This is useful for me as my most helpful strategy is delaying action. The straight forward question threw me last night. Even by text I had not actually used the words. I had explained how I had planned. How pointless and hopeless I was feeling. A few hours in I received a simple reply. Do you want to end your life? Not "have you had thoughts of harming yourself?" or "do you have a plan to harm yourself?  I'm not sure that it was that plainly asked ever before. I struggled to answer. The ques...

I have spent the last few days despairing. Sobbing whenever somebody spoke to me, doubting that I will ever fully recover, worrying my relationships with my husband and friends will be forever changed for the worse or even over. However, despite the tears and depression, which is still as deep and dark as ever, for the first time in 7 months I don't see that this illness will kill me. For the last half a year I have had a longing for death. A sense that it was imminent and inevitable that I would take my own life. Today I am depressed, sad, afraid and full of anxiety. I don't want to die though. I accept I can recover. I am scared of how recovery will look. I know it's going to be hard and painful, as is rebuilding the relationships depression has stolen. Some of those relationships may never be rebuilt. That's heartbreakingly sad. I will survive though. Depression kills. It's not just sadness. It's not 'being a bit down'. The episode I have been suff...

When you say you are suicidal, in my experience, most people don't believe you. Why would you tell someone if you really wanted to end your life? When you make an attempt, there's a bit of a flurry of activity where you end up watched. If you, like me, continue having suicidal thoughts, and your depression does not lift, people stop listening again. It's been 7 months since I first had a suicidal thought. It has been 3.5 months since my last attempt. Sometimes I lie. Sometimes I tell the truth. Whether people don't believe me, or just don't care anymore I don't know. All I know is that everyday I wish I had succeeded. That for me is a good day. The worse days are a constant fight to stay alive. Filled with visions of my death. Filled with planning. I'm getting better at winning but sometimes it feels close. I don't tell anyone because I really don't care if someone stops me now. I stay for my kids mostly. So I don't pass a legacy of pain on...

"You could you know. You want to" says Suicide "Yes I know but I can't leave the children. I can't bear to imagine their life without a mum" says me. "Can you imagine life with YOU as a mum?" laughs suicide "Surely a mum is better than none?" I wonder. "Are you sure?" Suicide questions. "Sure that's how you feel? You've been there!" "This I never going to end" cries anxiety. "Nope" agrees suicide. "nobody will ever trust you, you'll always be the mad one!"warns suicide. "You have over shared. People don't like us now." Cries anxiety "they laugh at us" Anxiety continues "I wonder if we will ever have our old life back? What if we don't. What if this closed off life continues. What if the children grow up to hate you. What if husband leaves you? What if he dies?" "I can fix this" smiles suicide. "no more pain. You have the...

Originally written July 2017 Where is God in Mental Illness: The suicidal Christian on the Psych ward. Jesus came to seek and save the lost. He is close to the broken-hearted and the marginalised in society. Jesus called to him the widows, prostitutes, tax collectors, lepers and 'unclean' women. He came for those with no voice. There are many people here with a very loud voice; in the midst of a psychotic episode or just downright frustration. It may be loud but it is a voice often quietened, snuffed out. If Jesus wanted to look for some oppressed lost souls, the psych ward would be the first place to look.

https://www.thegospelcoalition.org/article/hearing-god-in-the-midst-of-suicidal-thoughts I found this article whilst trying to convince myself God would understand if I killed myself, or that God didn't want me, or anything that might make it easier for me to escape the darkness. I really found it helpful to look at it from a sin point of view. Not in the way Job's friends did, blaming Job for his suffering. Instead that the world really is a dark, depressing place. To feel the weight of this fallen world is accepting that Jesus really is the only answer. It's my sin, but also that sin has corrupted the whole world. I still feel terrible that despite knowing and desperately wanting to see my true worth in God, knowing he has plans for me, knowing that suffering is only temporary and doesn't compare to the joy that is coming, I still felt I had no escape. No other option. Am I that faithless? Even though, as I lay dying, I was calling out to Him to take me, to save m...