Motherhood, Madness, God and Me

Yesterday's Lent Challenge Prompt was "still". This is what I came up with. Still: I've been thinking about the meaning of this one for a couple of days. The Hebrew root of "be still" is "let go". I've been drawn to a few verses. Psalm 37:7 Be still and wait patiently on the Lord. Oh how I struggle with this. Pretty much every word. Wait?? Patient?? Still? Currently I'm 1 year into my depression. 1 year. I'm very impatient. This isn't how it was meant to be. I started off being still. Letting go was what started this. I waited on the Lord, to begin with. My sense of timing and His are obviously out of sync! Psalm 46:10 "Be still and know that I am God" Let go, rest. God has it in hand. I don't often feel still. My body is often still. My mind never is. My mind is full of 'what if'. It's like I could do with reprograming. Getting rid of all the useless files and reloading with the simplest software. Jus...

We aren't a soppy romantic couple. We don't do big displays of affection or sloppy Facebook posts. We tease others who do. We both know declaring we are the love of each others' lives, wind beneath our wings, that we are so in love and so happy is false. We do love each other. We show our love by still being together. By occasionally offering to make a cup of tea, or an affectionate meeting of feet in the bed. It's a look across the room when we realise how cool yet weird our kids have turned out. It's laughing when one of us farts during sex. It's holding the fort at home whilst your wife is in hospital. It's managing alone when life just feels too much for your husband. It's apologising for being grumpy. It's taking the bins out and cleaning the toilet. It's pretending not to be annoyed that the other one didn't hoover today, or that one of you has spent our limited resources on a motorbike. It's making hard decisions about huge ...

Things I need to work on. Forgiveness. I need to look on those who have hurt me, intentionally or not. Out of lack of understanding or malice. I need to forgive. I have received forgiveness from people who I have hurt due to not being able to forgive their unintentional harm. I opened my bible at random and the study section is healing relationships. The key is forgiveness. The suggestions are: A truthful view of the offense, neither downplaying or exaggerating. I think this maybe where I am struggling. My mind exaggerates at the moment. Problems seem much larger than they are. However, I am also vulnerable. I am vulnerable to being convinced things are just in my head. I manage to do both in the same thought. Acknowledge the hurt and emotions that come with that. I have been hurt. I have felt judged, abandoned, lost, despised and abnormal. I have felt alone in my suffering and unwanted. Forgive freely. I forgive those whose actions have hurt me, whether intentionally or not. Con...

Originally written July 2017 Where is God in Mental Illness: The suicidal Christian on the Psych ward. Jesus came to seek and save the lost. He is close to the broken-hearted and the marginalised in society. Jesus called to him the widows, prostitutes, tax collectors, lepers and 'unclean' women. He came for those with no voice. There are many people here with a very loud voice; in the midst of a psychotic episode or just downright frustration. It may be loud but it is a voice often quietened, snuffed out. If Jesus wanted to look for some oppressed lost souls, the psych ward would be the first place to look.

Helpful Bible Verses (originally written July 2017) 2 Kings 20:5 I have heard your prayer and seen your tears. I will heal you. Romans 10:9 You are never too lost to be saved. Isaiah 43:2 When you go through deep waters I will be there for you. Exodus 14:13-14 The Lord will fight for you. You need only be still. Psalm 30:5 Weeping may endure the night but joy comes in the morning. 1Corinthians 10:13 God has a purpose for your pain. A reason for your struggle and a gift for your faithfulness. Romans 5:8 I loved you at your darkest. 2 Samuel 22 He reached down from heaven and rescued me. He drew me out of deep waters. Psalm 34:18 God is near to those who are broken at heart. Those who are crushed in spirit he saves. 1 Peter 5:10 After you have suffered a little while Christ himself will restore you, make you strong, firm and steadfast. These calm my spirit. Remind me I am not the only one to suffer. Other times coming into God's presence through His word left me feeling mo...

Thank God it was sunny when I left the house. It meant my red puffy eyes were hidden from view. Today is a bad day. There were triggers, nothing major but my afternoon was spent crying. Crying for the old me. Crying for the way things were. Crying for the version of me who was capable and reliable. That night I did die. I descended to a different place. A place of medication which makes you fat and tired. A place where people fear you. A place where you are always going to be remembered as the one who tried to kill herself. A place where confidential conversations are shared "in love". I tried to hold it together until I was alone. Desperately trying to keep up the appearance of recovery. It didn't work like that though. I almost made it but as my friend left I couldn't help out. Our friendship kind of illustrates to me how much I have lost. I'm still angry. I know none of this is her fault. It's all just such a mess. I wish I could share openly once aga...