Motherhood, Madness, God and Me

What will you remember? Will you remember story time. Cuddled up and funny voices. Will you remember sneaking into our bed and falling back to sleep. Will you remember singing songs when you were small. Doing all the actions? Will you remember me singing you to sleep whilst rubbing your back? Will you remember licking the bowl after baking. Dancing around the lounge. Will you remember walking home from school and talking about your day. Will you remember my smile at parents evenings, dance shows, the day you rode your bike? Will you remember being pushed high on the swings until you giggled? Will you remember nights when you were sick and we'd sleep on the sofa? Mummy holding you in hospital. Will you rather remember the times I shouted. The times I could do nothing but walk away. The times I joined in your chaos rather than calming it. Will you remember the times I missed. That I worked through your chicken pox. That I was in hospital for your 3rd operation? That you would wake...

When you say you are suicidal, in my experience, most people don't believe you. Why would you tell someone if you really wanted to end your life? When you make an attempt, there's a bit of a flurry of activity where you end up watched. If you, like me, continue having suicidal thoughts, and your depression does not lift, people stop listening again. It's been 7 months since I first had a suicidal thought. It has been 3.5 months since my last attempt. Sometimes I lie. Sometimes I tell the truth. Whether people don't believe me, or just don't care anymore I don't know. All I know is that everyday I wish I had succeeded. That for me is a good day. The worse days are a constant fight to stay alive. Filled with visions of my death. Filled with planning. I'm getting better at winning but sometimes it feels close. I don't tell anyone because I really don't care if someone stops me now. I stay for my kids mostly. So I don't pass a legacy of pain on...