Motherhood, Madness, God and Me

So ....your GP informs you he has spoken to a lovely, sensible lady who wants to come up with a decent plan to support you. They will phone you to discuss. Midnight arrives and you hear a hammering at your door as 2 people turn up unannounced and don't listen to anything you say. They've read your notes and assume your children are on a child protection plan and that you are having group therapy. Neither are true and are judgements based on documentation that is disputed by other professionals. They do not seem to believe that nothing recently has triggered this and seem to think it's some whim and you've now changed your mind. There is nothing they can offer. Phone if you need to. They repeat the same over and over. Go into therapy with an open mind. Call us and we will help you. Followed by that  there is nothing they can do to help you. You tell them you have missed your opportunity for now. You are tired. You are fed up of being judged and belittled. You agree t...

I love call the midwife. It joins together call my loves babies, motherhood, nursing, faith and history. I love it. I've just caught up on last nights episode. A couple of series ago they dealt with a Ruth and Naomi relationship. An older and younger friend. Drawn together by situation (working together) but a deeper fondness occurring over time until you realise they are inseparable. They are true, if unlikely friends, Last week Phyllis offered to nurse a flu stricken Barbara to give Barbara's sweet husband a break. It wasn't flu. Barbara had meningitis and septicaemia. This week it looked like Barbara may pull through, although there was grief as she realised her lifelong dream of being a midwife, her career and vocation would be ripped away from her due to loosing feeling in her fingers. Yeah, a little close to home. My circulation in my fingers remains in tact but the scars left from the past year are almost certainly going to have an impact on the only career ...

They say when the going gets tough you find out who your friends are. I accepted that. I knew that some people. Some friends, acquaintances, colleagues, family members would not be supportive. I had confidence though that some people would certainly stay put. No doubt. Even if I had a little wobble, I would be quickly reassured that they loved me and weren't going anywhere. Anyone who has read the blog will know that this didn't last. That people who I was certain would get me through, for whatever reason, didn't. Most days it hurts my heart. However there are others. Others who if I was asked a year ago wouldn't have crossed my mind as those to be holding me. My cousin. My totally mental, loud, foul mouthed cousin. We were so different growing up. You were cleverer but I was more conscientious. I was angelic, you were full of trouble! I was polite. You were cheeky. I through myself into study, you took a different path. We grew up together until our early teens w...

We aren't a soppy romantic couple. We don't do big displays of affection or sloppy Facebook posts. We tease others who do. We both know declaring we are the love of each others' lives, wind beneath our wings, that we are so in love and so happy is false. We do love each other. We show our love by still being together. By occasionally offering to make a cup of tea, or an affectionate meeting of feet in the bed. It's a look across the room when we realise how cool yet weird our kids have turned out. It's laughing when one of us farts during sex. It's holding the fort at home whilst your wife is in hospital. It's managing alone when life just feels too much for your husband. It's apologising for being grumpy. It's taking the bins out and cleaning the toilet. It's pretending not to be annoyed that the other one didn't hoover today, or that one of you has spent our limited resources on a motorbike. It's making hard decisions about huge ...

The NHS is wonderful. I have received excellent care from GPs, some nurses, OTs, midwives, surgeons, anaesthetists. I have worked within the NHS for over a decade. I can't imagine having to make decisions about mine or my children's healthcare based on cost, or what health insurance would cover. The NHS is on it's knees though. Doctors and nurses are having to do more with less. They are torn between what they are paid to do and what they are expected to do, even what they feel they need to do. There are discrepancies between what employers are asking and what the population needs. As professionals we live in fear of missing something, due to tiredness, computer systems not being fit for purpose, or even just a mistake. Our careers and sometimes our even our freedom put at risk every day. Tired, unsupported staff make mistakes. Staff who have little time for reflection between clients. Not enough time to care. When a mistake is made, we know that our employers won...

I am very lucky to have an amazing GP. He is holistic. He cares for our whole family. I feel awful for taking up so much of his time, and obviously his thoughts too. Here is what I would like him to know. Dear Dr, When I was first told to make an appointment after seeing a locum doctor I didn't know how lucky I was to be booked in with you. Your gentle, calming manner. The mild obscenities to sympathise with how awful depression is. The way you never accepted OK as an answer and never hurried me out of your surgery. Your ability to look further than a forced smile, which is more than most people have been able to do. I read your comment on my notes "deceptively smiley". The obvious concern in your face made me feel awful but that perhaps I was important to someone. The way you have cared for my husband, chased appointments for my daughter, fought our corner with social services are things I am particularly grateful for. I am sorry that you lost some sleep over me. I...

I feel I have lost you. We are married. We live together. There is no physical contact. You never say I love you. I get "you too" in reply to my "I love you". We sleep separately. I can't imagine how it must feel to have watched me fall. Had me run from you. I know it must be hard putting up with my obsessions, tears and confusion. I wonder where we go from here. How to make this better. Right now it seems irreparable. We don't talk. When we do it ends in a row. I know it's hard. Don't forget I've cared for you when you've been down and feeling hopeless too. I've felt the worry and the frustration. I'm sorry for the hurt I cause you. Truly I am. I just want you back. I just want things to be normal again. I don't want to carry on in this strange half life. Where I am better enough for professionals to abandon us but still mopping up the mess I've made from being unwell. The failing relationships, not just ours, the occu...

Today I received a report, which despite quoting sections of three medical reports supporting my daughter having sensory processing difficulties (fact) and behaviours which may be indicative of autism, stated her behaviour was a result of "what she has witnessed in the home". The author also stated she has no evidence of this. I straight away messaged my go to friend for "slightly odd kid" discussions, a friend I met 7 years ago when our daughters were babies. This lady has a knack for fighting and honestly I don't know what I'd do without her when times are tough with my daughter. There is a lot of research and anecdotal evidence of girls masking their autism at school. Excellent chameleons they are able to copy their peers and behave the same. It is often not officially diagnosed until adolescence by which time they usually have other mental health difficulties due to lack of support. Pretending is tiring so once they get home the 'break out'. ...

I want to write some thank you notes to people who have cared and loved me. Thanks to GP. You have been wonderful I supporting both me and my husband. Your faith that you could make me better, your compassion and gentle understanding manner has been a true blessing. Thank you B. Your regular texts and meals on wheels (thanks other ladies for your home cooking). Thanks for understanding bad days. Thanks for still wanting to meet up. Thanks I for just being normal. We went camping after I came home from hospital and it was like nothing had happened. I cooed over your baby and felt more myself because of you. G, thank you for sending me a gift to remind me I am safe in God's hands. J, thank you for being a foul mouthed crazy loon who I'm blessed to be related to. D, thank you for your professionalism, for coming to pray with me during your working day. For sending verses to meditate on. For answering my questions and reassuring me. You being on all probably stopped me being...