Motherhood, Madness, God and Me

Today I learned to knit. I knitted and knitted. I taught my children. They enjoyed it. It was something I asked my husband to teach them in one of my letters, because I promised my son I would help him knit a scarf. We went out this morning. We cuddled. I was left exhausted. My mind was more settled. The knitting, and achieving my promise helped. Then, at bedtime, the pain in my chest returned. Heavy, crushing. I try to fill my calender with plans, promises, to delay myself, to make me wait. Each thing I write I wonder if I will be around to make it. I am reading a lot of scripture. Trying to change my thoughts. I now have my photo of 8 year old me. I look at her and tell her the things she needs to know. She looks older than 8. She looks cheerful. Was I already hiding then? Was that before or after? Was I already good at masking? I can't remember. I'm trying. I'm trying so hard. I read today that God never tempts us more than we can deal with and will always send us a...

In my meeting today, still looking for any positive, Susanna reassured me that I am still the good person I used to be. The good mother. We spoke about how I have everything I wanted. My dream of having children. How I loved them being babies. How I enjoyed them. How now I don't. I can't. We spoke about how I have written to my children. How I want them to remember me as a good, kind person and not who I am now. What I put in my letters, I said, was because I never want them to feel how I do. I spoke about how I try to "counsel" myself and say I am good enough, and good enough is fine, and my kids are fine and will grow up fine. I am sick and I can't do what I used to and that's OK. It's OK not to enjoy parenting. It's hard and kids are annoying at times. That's OK. But I don't believe it. It doesn't sound truth for me. Fake it till you make it. Parent yourself how you parented your babies. Say to yourself all those things you write ...

I saw a meme on Facebook today. It said "you need to love me a little louder today" Sometimes, when you hate yourself. When you cannot think of any nice thing about you. When you cannot find a single lovable thing about you. You need to be told. Of course, others love isn't going to fix your self esteem in the long term. Good therapy will eventually, slowly, restore faith in yourself, or give it for the first time. That is very important. Long term change and improvement will come from knowing yourself and being comfortable with who you are and that you have an intrinsic worth not based on other's opinion. However, this doesn't happen overnight. It takes months, years even. A little "loud" love might just be enough of a plaster to stop somebody bleeding out. To do this work, the person needs to be alive and have enough hope that love is possible. If someone breaks a leg, for a while they need driving around. It's not forever. Time, treatment in ...

The NHS is wonderful. I have received excellent care from GPs, some nurses, OTs, midwives, surgeons, anaesthetists. I have worked within the NHS for over a decade. I can't imagine having to make decisions about mine or my children's healthcare based on cost, or what health insurance would cover. The NHS is on it's knees though. Doctors and nurses are having to do more with less. They are torn between what they are paid to do and what they are expected to do, even what they feel they need to do. There are discrepancies between what employers are asking and what the population needs. As professionals we live in fear of missing something, due to tiredness, computer systems not being fit for purpose, or even just a mistake. Our careers and sometimes our even our freedom put at risk every day. Tired, unsupported staff make mistakes. Staff who have little time for reflection between clients. Not enough time to care. When a mistake is made, we know that our employers won...