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Sunglasses on the school run

Thank God it was sunny when I left the house. It meant my red puffy eyes were hidden from view. Today is a bad day. There were triggers, nothing major but my afternoon was spent crying. Crying for the old me. Crying for the way things were. Crying for the version of me who was capable and reliable. That night I did die. I descended to a different place. A place of medication which makes you fat and tired. A place where people fear you. A place where you are always going to be remembered as the one who tried to kill herself. A place where confidential conversations are shared "in love". I tried to hold it together until I was alone. Desperately trying to keep up the appearance of recovery. It didn't work like that though. I almost made it but as my friend left I couldn't help out. Our friendship kind of illustrates to me how much I have lost. I'm still angry. I know none of this is her fault. It's all just such a mess. I wish I could share openly once again. Oh how I wish I could be confident in sharing this. With the hope you may understand. I'm scared of letting people in again. Their attitudes to mental health unchanged. Still believing I am faithless. Still believing I am a danger. Hopefully today I will be vindicated. Perhaps it will be over. It will never be over in my head and heart. Forever I am scarred by the attitudes of people, by my time in hospital, by how my mind continues to be a target for the devil. My daughter studies her bible each night. Yesterday her study was based on God knowing the truth about you, so trust in Him if you are falsely accused. I hope and pray I remember this. Whatever they think of me. God knows. God knows.
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