Motherhood, Madness, God and Me

So ....your GP informs you he has spoken to a lovely, sensible lady who wants to come up with a decent plan to support you. They will phone you to discuss. Midnight arrives and you hear a hammering at your door as 2 people turn up unannounced and don't listen to anything you say. They've read your notes and assume your children are on a child protection plan and that you are having group therapy. Neither are true and are judgements based on documentation that is disputed by other professionals. They do not seem to believe that nothing recently has triggered this and seem to think it's some whim and you've now changed your mind. There is nothing they can offer. Phone if you need to. They repeat the same over and over. Go into therapy with an open mind. Call us and we will help you. Followed by that  there is nothing they can do to help you. You tell them you have missed your opportunity for now. You are tired. You are fed up of being judged and belittled. You agree t...

This wasn't who I wanted to be. My only dream was to be a mother. When I finally was I wanted to be a better mother than I had. When my daughter was born I was that mum. Despite having postnatal depression, which looking back now was fairly minor, I played, I read books, breastfed. I was responsive. Even when she wouldn't settle I never felt angry. When she was a toddler I never shouted. I cried and I was anxious and tired but even when our son was born I was still patient and not at all shouty. Looking back I can pinpoint a change. It was a few months after going back to work from my 2nd maternity leave. I left the job I had been in for 5 years. We were a small and supportive team which had comprised of the same six people for 4 years. 5 women in their 40s and 22 year old me. Just weeks after returning I was persuaded (threatened my job was being phased out) to begin further study. It would result in the job I had wanted since my first year of nursing. It wasn't ideal t...

The NHS is wonderful. I have received excellent care from GPs, some nurses, OTs, midwives, surgeons, anaesthetists. I have worked within the NHS for over a decade. I can't imagine having to make decisions about mine or my children's healthcare based on cost, or what health insurance would cover. The NHS is on it's knees though. Doctors and nurses are having to do more with less. They are torn between what they are paid to do and what they are expected to do, even what they feel they need to do. There are discrepancies between what employers are asking and what the population needs. As professionals we live in fear of missing something, due to tiredness, computer systems not being fit for purpose, or even just a mistake. Our careers and sometimes our even our freedom put at risk every day. Tired, unsupported staff make mistakes. Staff who have little time for reflection between clients. Not enough time to care. When a mistake is made, we know that our employers won...

I am very lucky to have an amazing GP. He is holistic. He cares for our whole family. I feel awful for taking up so much of his time, and obviously his thoughts too. Here is what I would like him to know. Dear Dr, When I was first told to make an appointment after seeing a locum doctor I didn't know how lucky I was to be booked in with you. Your gentle, calming manner. The mild obscenities to sympathise with how awful depression is. The way you never accepted OK as an answer and never hurried me out of your surgery. Your ability to look further than a forced smile, which is more than most people have been able to do. I read your comment on my notes "deceptively smiley". The obvious concern in your face made me feel awful but that perhaps I was important to someone. The way you have cared for my husband, chased appointments for my daughter, fought our corner with social services are things I am particularly grateful for. I am sorry that you lost some sleep over me. I...