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God and Suicidal Thoughts

https://www.thegospelcoalition.org/article/hearing-god-in-the-midst-of-suicidal-thoughts I found this article whilst trying to convince myself God would understand if I killed myself, or that God didn't want me, or anything that might make it easier for me to escape the darkness. I really found it helpful to look at it from a sin point of view. Not in the way Job's friends did, blaming Job for his suffering. Instead that the world really is a dark, depressing place. To feel the weight of this fallen world is accepting that Jesus really is the only answer. It's my sin, but also that sin has corrupted the whole world. I still feel terrible that despite knowing and desperately wanting to see my true worth in God, knowing he has plans for me, knowing that suffering is only temporary and doesn't compare to the joy that is coming, I still felt I had no escape. No other option. Am I that faithless? Even though, as I lay dying, I was calling out to Him to take me, to save me. My trust remained until (what I planned) the very end. I don't know the answer. God certainly didn't think my time was up, so he saved me. I don't feel faithless. I feel a very strong draw to be in touch with my Father in heaven and feel deeply the love of Jesus and need for salvation. However I think a lot of people (myself included) feel mental illness is a choice, a result of not understanding or loving God enough. People with cancer are not blamed. I have an illness which disorders my thinking. The fact that CBT did not work for me points to the organic nature of my depression. People have been trying to help with biblical truths. They felt no more than platitudes as I lay in hospital wishing I was dead. The more helpful ones were the psalms (psalm 88 in particular) and 2 Samuel 22. Godly people, bible heroes, who felt death coil around them. Those who felt doubt and distance from God and despair. People who acknowledged that those who love God get angry and feel deep sadness but God still loves them. God still wants them as wretched and unlovable they are. I have felt punished. Not all illnesses are equal was a phrase used. My reply was no, they are not. Some leave you with shame and blame and people being afraid of you. The threat of loosing friends (again suggested by the same person)because of your paranoid thinking. God didn't give me this illness. I'm sure God will use it for something but my saviour doesn't want me to crave death, to cry all day and not leave the house. Sure he will use it but did he really make this happen to teach me a lesson?
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