Skip to main content

God and Suicidal Thoughts

https://www.thegospelcoalition.org/article/hearing-god-in-the-midst-of-suicidal-thoughts I found this article whilst trying to convince myself God would understand if I killed myself, or that God didn't want me, or anything that might make it easier for me to escape the darkness. I really found it helpful to look at it from a sin point of view. Not in the way Job's friends did, blaming Job for his suffering. Instead that the world really is a dark, depressing place. To feel the weight of this fallen world is accepting that Jesus really is the only answer. It's my sin, but also that sin has corrupted the whole world. I still feel terrible that despite knowing and desperately wanting to see my true worth in God, knowing he has plans for me, knowing that suffering is only temporary and doesn't compare to the joy that is coming, I still felt I had no escape. No other option. Am I that faithless? Even though, as I lay dying, I was calling out to Him to take me, to save me. My trust remained until (what I planned) the very end. I don't know the answer. God certainly didn't think my time was up, so he saved me. I don't feel faithless. I feel a very strong draw to be in touch with my Father in heaven and feel deeply the love of Jesus and need for salvation. However I think a lot of people (myself included) feel mental illness is a choice, a result of not understanding or loving God enough. People with cancer are not blamed. I have an illness which disorders my thinking. The fact that CBT did not work for me points to the organic nature of my depression. People have been trying to help with biblical truths. They felt no more than platitudes as I lay in hospital wishing I was dead. The more helpful ones were the psalms (psalm 88 in particular) and 2 Samuel 22. Godly people, bible heroes, who felt death coil around them. Those who felt doubt and distance from God and despair. People who acknowledged that those who love God get angry and feel deep sadness but God still loves them. God still wants them as wretched and unlovable they are. I have felt punished. Not all illnesses are equal was a phrase used. My reply was no, they are not. Some leave you with shame and blame and people being afraid of you. The threat of loosing friends (again suggested by the same person)because of your paranoid thinking. God didn't give me this illness. I'm sure God will use it for something but my saviour doesn't want me to crave death, to cry all day and not leave the house. Sure he will use it but did he really make this happen to teach me a lesson?
Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Coming home

Pretty much exactly 5 months after my last church attendance I returned today. Since my last time I had only seen 3 people from the congregation face to face. People who live in my town. Who I've seen at least twice a week for years, I'd seen so few of them. Children had grown. Newborn babies now starting to move. Barely bumps now earth side. There were a few new faces too. We decided to go today because we had been invited for Sunday lunch by a couple from church. The sweet, kind hearted, godly doctor who was on duty the weekend I was first taken to hospital. I didn't give myself a choice this morning. I'd set up an excuse not to go for lunch already. Our car was broken. It was true, it was, but I knew it would be fixed in time to go. So I got up and we went. I'd spoken with my counsellor about not feeling it was my home any longer. That I wasn't part of the fellowship anymore. That physically I didn't know where to sit. Our usual seats, middle,front, with ...
Post a Comment
Read more

Excluded

I wasn't prepared to feel this way. I wasn't prepared to feel close to tears when my child came home from your care. I wasn't prepared to pretend to smile at his work and songs and joy whilst burying the physical ache in my chest. I wasn't expecting to feel this exhausted and this alone. I wasn't expecting that yet another professional questioning your judgements and decision making to make me feel more conflicted then ever. I wasn't expecting to still feel so heartbroken after all this time. To miss the you. To miss the hard work. To miss me. I wasn't expecting this to happen at all though. So I guess it shouldn't be a surprise. I don't know what happens now.
Post a Comment
Read more

Crisis

So ....your GP informs you he has spoken to a lovely, sensible lady who wants to come up with a decent plan to support you. They will phone you to discuss. Midnight arrives and you hear a hammering at your door as 2 people turn up unannounced and don't listen to anything you say. They've read your notes and assume your children are on a child protection plan and that you are having group therapy. Neither are true and are judgements based on documentation that is disputed by other professionals. They do not seem to believe that nothing recently has triggered this and seem to think it's some whim and you've now changed your mind. There is nothing they can offer. Phone if you need to. They repeat the same over and over. Go into therapy with an open mind. Call us and we will help you. Followed by that  there is nothing they can do to help you. You tell them you have missed your opportunity for now. You are tired. You are fed up of being judged and belittled. You agree t...
Post a Comment
Read more