Motherhood, Madness, God and Me

We aren't a soppy romantic couple. We don't do big displays of affection or sloppy Facebook posts. We tease others who do. We both know declaring we are the love of each others' lives, wind beneath our wings, that we are so in love and so happy is false. We do love each other. We show our love by still being together. By occasionally offering to make a cup of tea, or an affectionate meeting of feet in the bed. It's a look across the room when we realise how cool yet weird our kids have turned out. It's laughing when one of us farts during sex. It's holding the fort at home whilst your wife is in hospital. It's managing alone when life just feels too much for your husband. It's apologising for being grumpy. It's taking the bins out and cleaning the toilet. It's pretending not to be annoyed that the other one didn't hoover today, or that one of you has spent our limited resources on a motorbike. It's making hard decisions about huge ...

I feel I have lost you. We are married. We live together. There is no physical contact. You never say I love you. I get "you too" in reply to my "I love you". We sleep separately. I can't imagine how it must feel to have watched me fall. Had me run from you. I know it must be hard putting up with my obsessions, tears and confusion. I wonder where we go from here. How to make this better. Right now it seems irreparable. We don't talk. When we do it ends in a row. I know it's hard. Don't forget I've cared for you when you've been down and feeling hopeless too. I've felt the worry and the frustration. I'm sorry for the hurt I cause you. Truly I am. I just want you back. I just want things to be normal again. I don't want to carry on in this strange half life. Where I am better enough for professionals to abandon us but still mopping up the mess I've made from being unwell. The failing relationships, not just ours, the occu...

I want to write some thank you notes to people who have cared and loved me. Thanks to GP. You have been wonderful I supporting both me and my husband. Your faith that you could make me better, your compassion and gentle understanding manner has been a true blessing. Thank you B. Your regular texts and meals on wheels (thanks other ladies for your home cooking). Thanks for understanding bad days. Thanks for still wanting to meet up. Thanks I for just being normal. We went camping after I came home from hospital and it was like nothing had happened. I cooed over your baby and felt more myself because of you. G, thank you for sending me a gift to remind me I am safe in God's hands. J, thank you for being a foul mouthed crazy loon who I'm blessed to be related to. D, thank you for your professionalism, for coming to pray with me during your working day. For sending verses to meditate on. For answering my questions and reassuring me. You being on all probably stopped me being...