Skip to main content

Limbo

I find being in limbo very difficult. It's kind of like homesickness. I'm in a stage of waiting. Waiting for friendships to heal. Waiting to get well. Waiting to see what work I can find. Waiting to find out where we will find a church home. Waiting makes me anxious. I imagine outcomes. I worry about what is happening that I may not be aware of during quiet times of waiting. Nothing seems settled at the moment. I don't know where I fit. I feel out of control. Waiting for others to make decisions which will effect the outcomes for me. Sometimes it's easier to be depressed. So depressed that nothing matters. The future, what people think of you don't matter. You aren't planning to be here so you have nothing to worry about apart from your final act. Anxiety is trickier. What happens does matter. What people think does matter. Your relationships do matter. My GP suggested today that my exhaustion and related lack of motivation may be caused not by persisting depression but the fact my heart beats constantly at 50% faster than it should due to anxiety. I care about the support I get. What people write about me. I care because I have a future, even if it is a future I am waiting to discover what it looks like.
Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Tomorrow a Poem.

Tomorrow is a new day, Full of new promises, When you rush through the day, Tomorrow is always there to say, Don't worry tomorrow it can be done, Tomorrow we can try again. Tomorrow's exciting promise, Every morning when you wake. A bit more time to finish today. More time to play They say Don't leave till tomorrow, Why you can do today. Sometimes tomorrow seems the same. Tomorrow is so different from today. No joy before you settle down, Tomorrow you'll still feel like you'll drown. What if tomorrow never came? What if today was the end. Would you regret the things you put off? Would you ponder if that phonecall, That text, that knock on the door, Shouldn't have been tomorrow's chore? Would you beg for another tomorrow? Would you mourn your yesterday. Today someone needs you. That phone call can't wait. A chat, a cuddle, a hand to hold, Responding may mean more than gold. So don't put it off, don't delay. Someone...
2 comments
Read more

Mindfulness

Mindfulness is not new to me. When I was in 6th form and was suffering huge family upheaval (3 house moves in years, new baby, new step dad, new siblings, contact issues with birth father, mother with severe postnatal depression and step dad going (successfully) back to rehab) the school nurse was asked to help me with my anxiety levels. She talked me through what I later learned (10 years later) was a mindfulness body scan. I was reminded of this whenever I met an anxious mother and would talk them through this meditation. One day, whilst myself working as a school nurse I came across the nurse who taught me this technique. She didn't remember me, and was now working in mental health. A mother praised how I had helped her with relaxation techniques in a meeting we were both attending. I admitted after the meeting that it was this lady who had taught me when I was 17 and anxious. I revisited relaxation during my first pregnancy. Hideous hyperemesis     consumed me...
1 comment
Read more

Good deeds or Prayer?

What good is it, my brothers and sisters, if someone claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save them? Suppose a brother or a sister is without clothes and daily food. If one of you says to them, “Go in peace; keep warm and well fed,” but does nothing about their physical needs, what good is it? In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead. (James 2:14 to 17) We know that we are saved by grace alone but sometimes our prayers are not enough. Our works are how God shows His love through us as Christians. I'm drawn to the parable of the Good Samaritan. I cannot fathom how mature, educated and usually servant hearted Christians can excuse physically turning away from a suffering church member. I am truly trying to understand how this action can be seen as loving, biblical or even humane. Removing previous support and care in a time of great trial and need. It is not God I am questioning. It is that this decision is accepted by...
Post a Comment
Read more