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Knitting

Today I learned to knit.

I knitted and knitted. I taught my children. They enjoyed it. It was something I asked my husband to teach them in one of my letters, because I promised my son I would help him knit a scarf.

We went out this morning. We cuddled. I was left exhausted. My mind was more settled. The knitting, and achieving my promise helped. Then, at bedtime, the pain in my chest returned. Heavy, crushing.

I try to fill my calender with plans, promises, to delay myself, to make me wait. Each thing I write I wonder if I will be around to make it.

I am reading a lot of scripture. Trying to change my thoughts. I now have my photo of 8 year old me. I look at her and tell her the things she needs to know. She looks older than 8. She looks cheerful. Was I already hiding then? Was that before or after? Was I already good at masking? I can't remember.

I'm trying. I'm trying so hard. I read today that God never tempts us more than we can deal with and will always send us a way out. What if he is sending me a way out? What if the planning, the opportunity is from God? What if my end will bring Him more glory than my life? I feel it might. I feel perhaps that's the plan.

Perhaps I just need to keep on knitting. Better buy some more wool!

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