Skip to main content

Little Me

In my meeting today, still looking for any positive, Susanna reassured me that I am still the good person I used to be. The good mother.

We spoke about how I have everything I wanted. My dream of having children. How I loved them being babies. How I enjoyed them. How now I don't. I can't.

We spoke about how I have written to my children. How I want them to remember me as a good, kind person and not who I am now.

What I put in my letters, I said, was because I never want them to feel how I do.

I spoke about how I try to "counsel" myself and say I am good enough, and good enough is fine, and my kids are fine and will grow up fine. I am sick and I can't do what I used to and that's OK. It's OK not to enjoy parenting. It's hard and kids are annoying at times. That's OK.

But I don't believe it. It doesn't sound truth for me.

Fake it till you make it.

Parent yourself how you parented your babies. Say to yourself all those things you write in your goodbye letters. All those things you need to tell your children so they don't feel how you do. Tell yourself, Little You, you are precious and loved and needed just how you are. Keep on saying it.

Then a hug. A wonderful way to seal that I matter. I'm precious. I'm OK.

I don't feel OK. Acceptance that I am sick and that's rubbish but is not my fault, a character flaw and doesn't make me bad mother would help. Believing I matter will help.

I'm teetering on the edge still. I hate it, it feels unbearable and I'm done. Each day feels impossible and I don't expect to survive it. But I do. I do more than survive. I meet the basic needs of my children. Sure I don't do all the amazing learning and play we used to. Sure they watch too much TV and my son plays barefoot in the rain and is grubby. That is OK. For now, at this time, when I feel terrible and I'm dying. Dying inside. Exhausted from fighting. Physical pain.

Oh Susanna how I wish I could believe you.

Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Tomorrow a Poem.

Tomorrow is a new day, Full of new promises, When you rush through the day, Tomorrow is always there to say, Don't worry tomorrow it can be done, Tomorrow we can try again. Tomorrow's exciting promise, Every morning when you wake. A bit more time to finish today. More time to play They say Don't leave till tomorrow, Why you can do today. Sometimes tomorrow seems the same. Tomorrow is so different from today. No joy before you settle down, Tomorrow you'll still feel like you'll drown. What if tomorrow never came? What if today was the end. Would you regret the things you put off? Would you ponder if that phonecall, That text, that knock on the door, Shouldn't have been tomorrow's chore? Would you beg for another tomorrow? Would you mourn your yesterday. Today someone needs you. That phone call can't wait. A chat, a cuddle, a hand to hold, Responding may mean more than gold. So don't put it off, don't delay. Someone...
2 comments
Read more

Mindfulness

Mindfulness is not new to me. When I was in 6th form and was suffering huge family upheaval (3 house moves in years, new baby, new step dad, new siblings, contact issues with birth father, mother with severe postnatal depression and step dad going (successfully) back to rehab) the school nurse was asked to help me with my anxiety levels. She talked me through what I later learned (10 years later) was a mindfulness body scan. I was reminded of this whenever I met an anxious mother and would talk them through this meditation. One day, whilst myself working as a school nurse I came across the nurse who taught me this technique. She didn't remember me, and was now working in mental health. A mother praised how I had helped her with relaxation techniques in a meeting we were both attending. I admitted after the meeting that it was this lady who had taught me when I was 17 and anxious. I revisited relaxation during my first pregnancy. Hideous hyperemesis     consumed me...
1 comment
Read more

Good deeds or Prayer?

What good is it, my brothers and sisters, if someone claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save them? Suppose a brother or a sister is without clothes and daily food. If one of you says to them, “Go in peace; keep warm and well fed,” but does nothing about their physical needs, what good is it? In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead. (James 2:14 to 17) We know that we are saved by grace alone but sometimes our prayers are not enough. Our works are how God shows His love through us as Christians. I'm drawn to the parable of the Good Samaritan. I cannot fathom how mature, educated and usually servant hearted Christians can excuse physically turning away from a suffering church member. I am truly trying to understand how this action can be seen as loving, biblical or even humane. Removing previous support and care in a time of great trial and need. It is not God I am questioning. It is that this decision is accepted by...
Post a Comment
Read more