Motherhood, Madness, God and Me

Would you walk by the tearful man on the bridge? Would you run past the girl crying at the train station? Would you drop a line to somebody sounding down on social media? Would you tell yourself when you saw their smile beaming from the newspaper after their death that there was nothing you could have done? Let me tell you. You could save a life. The Samaritans #smalltalksaveslives campaign highlights this. A small kindness, even an acknowledgement. A small effort, could give strength for one more day. A dog walker saw me. I had a rope round my neck but wasn't yet hanging. It was dark. I held my breath but his dog came to sniff me. He shone a torch towards me and called the dog away. He walked on by. I have asked for support for a client who wants to end her life to be told she doesn't mean it. Leaving me no choice but to leave her and wait anxiously to see the news the following day. I have been sent home alone in a taxi in the middle of the night after a suicide attemp...

Suicide Sensitive When I died my head hurt. The world was spinning round, Everything was white, I could still hear sound. When I died I felt peace, Everything seemed still, No regret, not sorry, No more days to fill. When I died a fire, Grew inside my head, White hot explosions, Soon I would be dead. When I died I felt like, Life was slipping away, It seemed to take a while, When I died that day. Except I didn't die, I woke to lights of blue, Cold, wet and frightened, Not knowing what to do. I cried because I lived, Worse was yet to come, Surviving your death, Isn't that much fun. That quietness over, Peace shattered again, Relentless questions, All the whys and whens. Dying hurts a bit, Surviving hurts more, Stares, tears and shame, More than was before. Dying isn't easy, But better I feel, Than living in a mind, That will refuse to heal.

What does it feel like? What is dying like? Do you see your life, Flash before your eyes? Does it hurt to die? Is like sleeping? Do you walk to light? Or fall to darkness? Do you know you're dead? Do you float above? Out of your body, Watching overhead. Do you feel at peace? Do you feel regret? Can you change your mind, If you choose to live? Do you see the Lord? Does he hold your hand? Does he welcome you, Home to rest in peace? Do you go to hell, Falling fast and hard. Perhaps you didn't love, Jesus after all. Do you just decay, Body in the ground, Eaten by the worms, Flowers growing round.

Why do you love me? What is it in me? Why do you love me,? What is it you see? Why do you love me? So not let me leave? What have I given you? That might make you grieve? Do you remember The times that we smiled? Is it those times that, Our laughter was wild? Is it because I, Showed my love to you? Is it because of, The things that I do? What are these things that, One day you will share, Things I have done and The ways I have cared? Is it your memory? Which may fade, But it is the things, On which friendship is made? Why if you love me? Do I feel so alone? If I am so loved, Is it with pain I groan? Why is it silent, When for help I ask? Why is loving me, Such a huge task? If loving me is hard? So hard as you say, Do you prevent me, From escaping this way? Why when your words, Show you find me a chore, Do you walk far away, To be friends no more. Why when you say, You love me still? My heart remains broken, Now too broken to fill. The whisper...

I asked my GP to sedate me. So I was safe. So I could rest. I begged him. He looked at what we had tried. Clonazapam Lorazepam Promethazine Zopiclone. Diazapam Temazepam Nitrazepam Nothing worked. Clonazapam worked when I took too much or when I was first starting medication. Promethazine gave some relief from anxiety during the day. Last night he gave me a single double dose. I night of sleep. 10 dreamless, still hours of safety.

People will speak of surprise. She seemed so well. She looked so happy. She had so much to live for. Why didn't she ask for help? How could she leave her children? Is it really a surprise? Loosing my mind. Loosing my job. My parenting investigated. My body pumped full of poison. The loss of my community. My friends. Alienated, blocked, ignored by those I thought loved me. I did not want to leave my children. To be honest they bought me an extra year. They deserve better. They will get it without me in the way. I did ask for help. Several times. Help isn't there. Removing freedom doesn't save people. It just makes it harder to ask for help. Nobody has been able to lift me from this pit. Asking for help involves switchboards, receptionists, knowing that nothing will improve the physical pain, knowing that when you get through they will wonder why you bothered phoning if you really want to die. For me this is not a surprise. This is not an impulse. This is being too t...

How do you get better? How do you recover? Do you suddenly wake with hope? Do you feel differently? Do you just notice after it has happened? What is recovery? Is recovery real?  How long does recovery take? Is it even possible? How will I know what recovery looks like? Why does it take so long? So long I gave up hope. What do I need to do now? To end this nightmare forever. I don't know how much longer I can bear this. How can I continue? To face another day. It feels like this will never end. They say it happens slowly. That recovery is possible for me. Do they really know that? Can it really be true? Is recovery possible? Is there a flicker of hope? Or is it just a fairy tale that's not truth? Each day that passes by, Hope slips further away. I feel this is life forever. The tunnel light seems dimmer. No hope, no light, just darkness forever more. I cannot see past this. The pain overwhelms me. I'm deep in a pit of despair. Recovery is a ...