Motherhood, Madness, God and Me

Last night I went out. I went out with the school mums. This time last week I was in a psychiatric hospital. Crying everytime anyone spoke to me and taking 2 naps a day. I didn't want to go. I didn't reply to excited planning messages. I made myself go. It was a fun night but throughout I was plagued with guilt. How could I be enjoying myself when a week ago I nearly died. How could I be dancing away when my husband's heart was heavy with worry. How could I be smiling when I had hurt those around me. Towards the end of the evening it changed. What would I do if I just left now? Nobody would notice until morning. There would be no police call. For that reason I stayed until the end. So I wasn't alone. The photos of a smiling me are on facebook. You can't see the battle going on behind the laughing and dancing. The guilt. The doubt. The 'why on earth did they invite a boring and horrible person like me' thoughts. They can't see the shattered mind t...

I am nothing. Worthless. My internal voice repeats it over and over. You are nothing. How can you be worth anything if your children aren't enough to keep you alive. How can you be anything if you put your husband through this. How you have treated people you called your friends the way you have. They've turned away. Selfish. You are nothing. You aren't worth anyone's time. Just hurry up and do it. Save everybody time and worry. You are nothing.

Being depressed has made me feel bad, or perhaps being bad has made me depressed. I have been treated like a naughty school girl by some. I feel I have ruined everything. Upset people without that being my intention at all. I have tried to express my feelings but hurt others in the process. I feel like a bad person. A person who couldn't possibly be loved or wanted or ever be considered to be good. I can't forgive myself. Being picked up by kindly police who were adamant I wasn't a criminal they were just keeping ME safe kind of added to the feeling of being a waste of space. A bad person. A person who could get better if only they tried. A person who has choice over her behaviour. A person who obviously can't be trusted especially around children. Mad. Perhaps I am mad. Being on a psychiatric unit can make you feel that way. Locked doors, cutlery used under supervision, 15 minute checks on your wellbeing. Your clothes being searched, your shoes taken away. Being hand...

Never has the bible explained my head so well. Lord you are the God who saves me; Day and night I cry out to you. My prayer comes before you. Turn your ear to my cry. I am overwhelmed with troubles. My life draws near to death. I am counted among those who go down to the pit. I am like one with no strength. I am set apart with the dead, Like the slain who lie in the grave, Who you remember no more, Who are cut off from your prayer. You have put me in the lowest pit, in the darkest depths. Your wrath lies heavily upon me. You have overwhelmed me with your waves. You have taken from me my closest friends and have made me repulsive to them. I am confined and cannot escape My eyes dim with grief. I call to you everyday I spread out my hands to you Do you show your wonders to the dead? Do their spirits rise up and praise you? Is your love declared in the grave, Your faithfulness in destruction? Are your wonders known in the place of darkness? Or your righteous deeds in the land of...

I have spent the last few days despairing. Sobbing whenever somebody spoke to me, doubting that I will ever fully recover, worrying my relationships with my husband and friends will be forever changed for the worse or even over. However, despite the tears and depression, which is still as deep and dark as ever, for the first time in 7 months I don't see that this illness will kill me. For the last half a year I have had a longing for death. A sense that it was imminent and inevitable that I would take my own life. Today I am depressed, sad, afraid and full of anxiety. I don't want to die though. I accept I can recover. I am scared of how recovery will look. I know it's going to be hard and painful, as is rebuilding the relationships depression has stolen. Some of those relationships may never be rebuilt. That's heartbreakingly sad. I will survive though. Depression kills. It's not just sadness. It's not 'being a bit down'. The episode I have been suff...

Things I need to work on. Forgiveness. I need to look on those who have hurt me, intentionally or not. Out of lack of understanding or malice. I need to forgive. I have received forgiveness from people who I have hurt due to not being able to forgive their unintentional harm. I opened my bible at random and the study section is healing relationships. The key is forgiveness. The suggestions are: A truthful view of the offense, neither downplaying or exaggerating. I think this maybe where I am struggling. My mind exaggerates at the moment. Problems seem much larger than they are. However, I am also vulnerable. I am vulnerable to being convinced things are just in my head. I manage to do both in the same thought. Acknowledge the hurt and emotions that come with that. I have been hurt. I have felt judged, abandoned, lost, despised and abnormal. I have felt alone in my suffering and unwanted. Forgive freely. I forgive those whose actions have hurt me, whether intentionally or not. Con...

I'm wearing my Harry Potter shirt today. In the Deathly Hallows when Hermione uses 'obliviate' so her parents forget her is a moving scene. I wish I was Hermione Granger. I would obliviate my mind, and my loved ones. We would forget this pain, what's happened. Normality would resume. I could forget the broken relationships caused by my paranoia and people's lack of understanding. I could forget my muddled mind and have a focused way to go. I would be free from the embarrassment of speaking to the people I have hurt, and those who have seen me at my worst. I would obliviate the memories of my family and friends until this summer so I could once again create an illusion that I was capable, good at things even. If anyone is able to cast a patronus, that would also be much appreciated. I think the dementors are nearby. It may even be too late. I'm pretty sure one has already kissed me. If I was Hermione Granger I would have produced my little silvery otter and b...

When you say you are suicidal, in my experience, most people don't believe you. Why would you tell someone if you really wanted to end your life? When you make an attempt, there's a bit of a flurry of activity where you end up watched. If you, like me, continue having suicidal thoughts, and your depression does not lift, people stop listening again. It's been 7 months since I first had a suicidal thought. It has been 3.5 months since my last attempt. Sometimes I lie. Sometimes I tell the truth. Whether people don't believe me, or just don't care anymore I don't know. All I know is that everyday I wish I had succeeded. That for me is a good day. The worse days are a constant fight to stay alive. Filled with visions of my death. Filled with planning. I'm getting better at winning but sometimes it feels close. I don't tell anyone because I really don't care if someone stops me now. I stay for my kids mostly. So I don't pass a legacy of pain on...

Today is a bed day. It's one of those days when I know I am safe if I sleep. It's a day when the energy to unload the washing I started 2 days ago evades me despite knowing there are no clean jumpers for school tomorrow. It's a day when the pyjamas are spread round the lounge, last night's washing up remains littered around the kitchen. The curtains are closed. It's a day when I hide under the covers wishing I had never made a stupid contract not to harm myself with my therapist. It's a day where bed really is the only thing I can manage. Where I would love a friend to come and hold my hand but I can't reach out to anyone to do so. Today is a day when I realise why my mother spent so much of my childhood in bed and fear my children will grow up with the same feeling of abandonment that I did. Where I feel both pain, shame and loss all at once. Today is a day my husband will carefully check I am still breathing when he comes in. Just in case. Today is...

I am very lucky to have an amazing GP. He is holistic. He cares for our whole family. I feel awful for taking up so much of his time, and obviously his thoughts too. Here is what I would like him to know. Dear Dr, When I was first told to make an appointment after seeing a locum doctor I didn't know how lucky I was to be booked in with you. Your gentle, calming manner. The mild obscenities to sympathise with how awful depression is. The way you never accepted OK as an answer and never hurried me out of your surgery. Your ability to look further than a forced smile, which is more than most people have been able to do. I read your comment on my notes "deceptively smiley". The obvious concern in your face made me feel awful but that perhaps I was important to someone. The way you have cared for my husband, chased appointments for my daughter, fought our corner with social services are things I am particularly grateful for. I am sorry that you lost some sleep over me. I...

If I had to sum up anxiety in one scenario an unanswered call/text/email is probably the easiest situation to use. I phone you. You don't answer. You don't call back. Depending on who you are I could convince myself you are dead on the motorway husband) or that I've upset you (friend). I create all sorts of scenarios in my mind for reasons you haven't text. I start to panic. My heart races, I can't concentrate. I become obsessed with checking for replied. I plan your funeral because in my mind I believe you have died. Sometimes I cry because I believe I have upset a friend. In those minutes, hours and days I create all sorts of things which sometimes I can rationalise, sometimes not. Sometimes your delay in replying provides me with evidence towards a negative core belief. For example, you don't reply. I believe I've upset you. This provides evidence that I am, as I feared, a horrible person and I've just proved it. Similarly sometimes I don't re...

Today was a good day. Swimming lessons at 9AM after a poor night's sleep shouldn't make for a good day but it did. My boy finally did something that looked like swimming rather than drowning! He swam under water beautifully for about 5m. He looked so impressed how well it had worked out. Weekends with school aged children often seem to be busy. Next was the under 8s football team. My daughter is under investigation for ASD, she's terrified when the ball comes near her but enjoys playing. They let her play. Even though tactically they should sub her they don't because they believe she deserves a chance. They even notice things I haven't, like she has poor planning and becomes confused when the team switches ends of the pitch. They arranged for the team to swap only at half way rather than every quarter. To have a situation where her difficulties are acknowledged but she is pushed to reach her potential is so refreshing for me. The afternoon ended up as a girlie tr...

I spend a lot of time talking about Madness, God and Me but less time on motherhood. As a little girl all I wanted to be was a mummy. I imagined having loads of children, I had names planned in my head and everything. Even before we were married I imagined life with a gorgeous toddler jumping in puddles. Many children for us is sadly not to be. My mental health being the main reason. We have 2 lovely children and I am grateful for that. They are funny. My son is polite and kind. He is an old head and enjoys conversations. He wants to be a teacher or an engineer. My daughter is a bundle of passion, feeling things deeply. She is an incredible artist. They are both resilient, coping well with me being in hospital. I worry I am not enough. I worry for their future mental health. Motherhood is the biggest area I doubt myself in. Tonight was a tough night. My son was messing around at bedtime. I was told I was too cross so I came away and cried. I am so far away from the mother I dreame...

I feel I have lost you. We are married. We live together. There is no physical contact. You never say I love you. I get "you too" in reply to my "I love you". We sleep separately. I can't imagine how it must feel to have watched me fall. Had me run from you. I know it must be hard putting up with my obsessions, tears and confusion. I wonder where we go from here. How to make this better. Right now it seems irreparable. We don't talk. When we do it ends in a row. I know it's hard. Don't forget I've cared for you when you've been down and feeling hopeless too. I've felt the worry and the frustration. I'm sorry for the hurt I cause you. Truly I am. I just want you back. I just want things to be normal again. I don't want to carry on in this strange half life. Where I am better enough for professionals to abandon us but still mopping up the mess I've made from being unwell. The failing relationships, not just ours, the occu...

"You could you know. You want to" says Suicide "Yes I know but I can't leave the children. I can't bear to imagine their life without a mum" says me. "Can you imagine life with YOU as a mum?" laughs suicide "Surely a mum is better than none?" I wonder. "Are you sure?" Suicide questions. "Sure that's how you feel? You've been there!" "This I never going to end" cries anxiety. "Nope" agrees suicide. "nobody will ever trust you, you'll always be the mad one!"warns suicide. "You have over shared. People don't like us now." Cries anxiety "they laugh at us" Anxiety continues "I wonder if we will ever have our old life back? What if we don't. What if this closed off life continues. What if the children grow up to hate you. What if husband leaves you? What if he dies?" "I can fix this" smiles suicide. "no more pain. You have the...

Written July 3/4th On my first night I came here, the day after my husband thwarted my attempt to end my life, I never doubted God's existence. I knew God was real, I also knew how very much the devil wanted me. In those hours I rabbited on about the devil having me. I begged for my children to be saved. I thought my vicar could see I had the devil in me and attributed his behaviour ad protecting the church from me. It is very hard to see God in a locked corridor of howling women, shouting nurses and despair seeping through every locked and windowed door. I woke up and realised I didn't need to take my life. I had already succeeded. This was hell. An absence of anything good and lovely, filled with tormented lost souls with no hope. When my dearest friend visited she reminded me this. We are saved by grace and grace alone. No sin is too big and mental illness should not be considered a sin. My obsessing over not being enough, not praying, serving, forgiving, loving enou...

Originally written July 2017 Where is God in Mental Illness: The suicidal Christian on the Psych ward. Jesus came to seek and save the lost. He is close to the broken-hearted and the marginalised in society. Jesus called to him the widows, prostitutes, tax collectors, lepers and 'unclean' women. He came for those with no voice. There are many people here with a very loud voice; in the midst of a psychotic episode or just downright frustration. It may be loud but it is a voice often quietened, snuffed out. If Jesus wanted to look for some oppressed lost souls, the psych ward would be the first place to look.

Helpful Bible Verses (originally written July 2017) 2 Kings 20:5 I have heard your prayer and seen your tears. I will heal you. Romans 10:9 You are never too lost to be saved. Isaiah 43:2 When you go through deep waters I will be there for you. Exodus 14:13-14 The Lord will fight for you. You need only be still. Psalm 30:5 Weeping may endure the night but joy comes in the morning. 1Corinthians 10:13 God has a purpose for your pain. A reason for your struggle and a gift for your faithfulness. Romans 5:8 I loved you at your darkest. 2 Samuel 22 He reached down from heaven and rescued me. He drew me out of deep waters. Psalm 34:18 God is near to those who are broken at heart. Those who are crushed in spirit he saves. 1 Peter 5:10 After you have suffered a little while Christ himself will restore you, make you strong, firm and steadfast. These calm my spirit. Remind me I am not the only one to suffer. Other times coming into God's presence through His word left me feeling mo...