Being depressed has made me feel bad, or perhaps being bad has made me depressed. I have been treated like a naughty school girl by some. I feel I have ruined everything. Upset people without that being my intention at all. I have tried to express my feelings but hurt others in the process. I feel like a bad person. A person who couldn't possibly be loved or wanted or ever be considered to be good. I can't forgive myself. Being picked up by kindly police who were adamant I wasn't a criminal they were just keeping ME safe kind of added to the feeling of being a waste of space. A bad person. A person who could get better if only they tried. A person who has choice over her behaviour. A person who obviously can't be trusted especially around children.
Mad. Perhaps I am mad. Being on a psychiatric unit can make you feel that way. Locked doors, cutlery used under supervision, 15 minute checks on your wellbeing. Your clothes being searched, your shoes taken away. Being handed a piece of paper saying mentally deranged people found in a public place. Yup. That's me. Mentally deranged. Who would trust the opinion of a madwoman.
Sad. All the time. It's more than sadness. It's a complete lack of hope. More than grief it's a total emptiness. It crosses over with the feeling of badness. I am sad that I am so bad, that I've hurt people, that people don't like me or trust me. That I failed in everything I wanted to be, mother, wife and nurse. I grieve with sadness the life we had, the life my husband and children deserve. The friendships I had which will never be the same because of me.
Depression is all these things, and if rational, none of them but instead an illness. A lonely terrifying illness.
Tomorrow is a new day, Full of new promises, When you rush through the day, Tomorrow is always there to say, Don't worry tomorrow it can be done, Tomorrow we can try again. Tomorrow's exciting promise, Every morning when you wake. A bit more time to finish today. More time to play They say Don't leave till tomorrow, Why you can do today. Sometimes tomorrow seems the same. Tomorrow is so different from today. No joy before you settle down, Tomorrow you'll still feel like you'll drown. What if tomorrow never came? What if today was the end. Would you regret the things you put off? Would you ponder if that phonecall, That text, that knock on the door, Shouldn't have been tomorrow's chore? Would you beg for another tomorrow? Would you mourn your yesterday. Today someone needs you. That phone call can't wait. A chat, a cuddle, a hand to hold, Responding may mean more than gold. So don't put it off, don't delay. Someone...
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