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When nobody listens

When you say you are suicidal, in my experience, most people don't believe you. Why would you tell someone if you really wanted to end your life? When you make an attempt, there's a bit of a flurry of activity where you end up watched. If you, like me, continue having suicidal thoughts, and your depression does not lift, people stop listening again. It's been 7 months since I first had a suicidal thought. It has been 3.5 months since my last attempt. Sometimes I lie. Sometimes I tell the truth. Whether people don't believe me, or just don't care anymore I don't know. All I know is that everyday I wish I had succeeded. That for me is a good day. The worse days are a constant fight to stay alive. Filled with visions of my death. Filled with planning. I'm getting better at winning but sometimes it feels close. I don't tell anyone because I really don't care if someone stops me now. I stay for my kids mostly. So I don't pass a legacy of pain onto them.. Sometimes it's not enough. These are the danger days. When the belief that they will grieve a death quicker than they could ever recover from having a miserable, exhausted, poor excuse for a mother. I think after so long people wonder why I haven't just got on with it. So do I. I wish I could. Another thing that stops me is surviving. Surviving a suicide attempt is a punishing experience that you never intended to happen. The look in people's faces. Disappointment, fear, sadness. The reliving the event. The hospital where you know they have more worthy people to treat. So now I have a contract. Signed by me and my art therapist. Stating I will not harm myself. You know what? I'm counting down the weeks until our sessions finish. When I am no longer bound by that promise. Being suicidal is when even when you aren't actively seeking to end your life, you see suicide as the inevitable end sooner or later. It really is that relentless. It's checking your life insurance policy. It's writing a funeral plan. It's tiring and all consuming. It's against your knowing God is in control and gives us strength. It's praying right from the heart and still, still not feeling any relief from the enormous draw towards death. So this is me. Failing everyday.
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