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The voice

"You could you know. You want to" says Suicide "Yes I know but I can't leave the children. I can't bear to imagine their life without a mum" says me. "Can you imagine life with YOU as a mum?" laughs suicide "Surely a mum is better than none?" I wonder. "Are you sure?" Suicide questions. "Sure that's how you feel? You've been there!" "This I never going to end" cries anxiety. "Nope" agrees suicide. "nobody will ever trust you, you'll always be the mad one!"warns suicide. "You have over shared. People don't like us now." Cries anxiety "they laugh at us" Anxiety continues "I wonder if we will ever have our old life back? What if we don't. What if this closed off life continues. What if the children grow up to hate you. What if husband leaves you? What if he dies?" "I can fix this" smiles suicide. "no more pain. You have the promise of a wonderful life, no more tears." "But God has a plan" I cry out "He is working in this situation. He promises not to give me more than I can handle. God doesn't want me to die." "Maybe the vicar is right" anxiety says "maybe we have lost our way. Maybe this is a punishment because we didn't put God first" "No. We are precious to God. He loves me" I repeat again and again. "Why is your life so hard then?" Anger shouts. "why can't people see how hard you are fighting? Why did they betray you? Why can't you just sort yourself out." "I don't know what to do. Please help me!" I call out "There is a way." Suicide whispers. "I can save you" "No. Not here." I say. Suicide says "ok, you'll need to go out then. Let me show you" I see myself hanging. I see myself being hit by a car. I see myself drowning. "Feel that" coos suicide "that's freedom. I know you are tempted" "What if we fail" anxiety and me ask. Anxiety continues "you'll lose the kids. You'll have failed again" "Do it properly then!" Suicide jeers. "no texts asking for help, no telling about these thoughts. Just. Do. It." "I can't" I say. "You should. You are weak and you've ruined everything" suicide shouts. "everyone thinks you are a mess" anxiety says. "it's inevitable" suicide finishes. "this is your destiny." "I'm tired" I cry. This is in my head all.the.time. EVERYDAY. This internal battle. Where death is a tempting escape but something in me holds me back. 7 months. This has been whizzing round my head for 7 months. Is this good enough? It's been 10 weeks since I tried last. The day I was discharged I tried but stopped. Handing over my shoe laces to a member of staff. Nobody cared. Nobody asked why. I'm tired.
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