Skip to main content

The voice

"You could you know. You want to" says Suicide "Yes I know but I can't leave the children. I can't bear to imagine their life without a mum" says me. "Can you imagine life with YOU as a mum?" laughs suicide "Surely a mum is better than none?" I wonder. "Are you sure?" Suicide questions. "Sure that's how you feel? You've been there!" "This I never going to end" cries anxiety. "Nope" agrees suicide. "nobody will ever trust you, you'll always be the mad one!"warns suicide. "You have over shared. People don't like us now." Cries anxiety "they laugh at us" Anxiety continues "I wonder if we will ever have our old life back? What if we don't. What if this closed off life continues. What if the children grow up to hate you. What if husband leaves you? What if he dies?" "I can fix this" smiles suicide. "no more pain. You have the promise of a wonderful life, no more tears." "But God has a plan" I cry out "He is working in this situation. He promises not to give me more than I can handle. God doesn't want me to die." "Maybe the vicar is right" anxiety says "maybe we have lost our way. Maybe this is a punishment because we didn't put God first" "No. We are precious to God. He loves me" I repeat again and again. "Why is your life so hard then?" Anger shouts. "why can't people see how hard you are fighting? Why did they betray you? Why can't you just sort yourself out." "I don't know what to do. Please help me!" I call out "There is a way." Suicide whispers. "I can save you" "No. Not here." I say. Suicide says "ok, you'll need to go out then. Let me show you" I see myself hanging. I see myself being hit by a car. I see myself drowning. "Feel that" coos suicide "that's freedom. I know you are tempted" "What if we fail" anxiety and me ask. Anxiety continues "you'll lose the kids. You'll have failed again" "Do it properly then!" Suicide jeers. "no texts asking for help, no telling about these thoughts. Just. Do. It." "I can't" I say. "You should. You are weak and you've ruined everything" suicide shouts. "everyone thinks you are a mess" anxiety says. "it's inevitable" suicide finishes. "this is your destiny." "I'm tired" I cry. This is in my head all.the.time. EVERYDAY. This internal battle. Where death is a tempting escape but something in me holds me back. 7 months. This has been whizzing round my head for 7 months. Is this good enough? It's been 10 weeks since I tried last. The day I was discharged I tried but stopped. Handing over my shoe laces to a member of staff. Nobody cared. Nobody asked why. I'm tired.
Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Coming home

Pretty much exactly 5 months after my last church attendance I returned today. Since my last time I had only seen 3 people from the congregation face to face. People who live in my town. Who I've seen at least twice a week for years, I'd seen so few of them. Children had grown. Newborn babies now starting to move. Barely bumps now earth side. There were a few new faces too. We decided to go today because we had been invited for Sunday lunch by a couple from church. The sweet, kind hearted, godly doctor who was on duty the weekend I was first taken to hospital. I didn't give myself a choice this morning. I'd set up an excuse not to go for lunch already. Our car was broken. It was true, it was, but I knew it would be fixed in time to go. So I got up and we went. I'd spoken with my counsellor about not feeling it was my home any longer. That I wasn't part of the fellowship anymore. That physically I didn't know where to sit. Our usual seats, middle,front, with ...
Post a Comment
Read more

Elusive Recovery

How do you get better? How do you recover? Do you suddenly wake with hope? Do you feel differently? Do you just notice after it has happened? What is recovery? Is recovery real?  How long does recovery take? Is it even possible? How will I know what recovery looks like? Why does it take so long? So long I gave up hope. What do I need to do now? To end this nightmare forever. I don't know how much longer I can bear this. How can I continue? To face another day. It feels like this will never end. They say it happens slowly. That recovery is possible for me. Do they really know that? Can it really be true? Is recovery possible? Is there a flicker of hope? Or is it just a fairy tale that's not truth? Each day that passes by, Hope slips further away. I feel this is life forever. The tunnel light seems dimmer. No hope, no light, just darkness forever more. I cannot see past this. The pain overwhelms me. I'm deep in a pit of despair. Recovery is a ...
Post a Comment
Read more

Excluded

I wasn't prepared to feel this way. I wasn't prepared to feel close to tears when my child came home from your care. I wasn't prepared to pretend to smile at his work and songs and joy whilst burying the physical ache in my chest. I wasn't expecting to feel this exhausted and this alone. I wasn't expecting that yet another professional questioning your judgements and decision making to make me feel more conflicted then ever. I wasn't expecting to still feel so heartbroken after all this time. To miss the you. To miss the hard work. To miss me. I wasn't expecting this to happen at all though. So I guess it shouldn't be a surprise. I don't know what happens now.
Post a Comment
Read more