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Onwards and Upwards

I have spent the last few days despairing. Sobbing whenever somebody spoke to me, doubting that I will ever fully recover, worrying my relationships with my husband and friends will be forever changed for the worse or even over. However, despite the tears and depression, which is still as deep and dark as ever, for the first time in 7 months I don't see that this illness will kill me. For the last half a year I have had a longing for death. A sense that it was imminent and inevitable that I would take my own life. Today I am depressed, sad, afraid and full of anxiety. I don't want to die though. I accept I can recover. I am scared of how recovery will look. I know it's going to be hard and painful, as is rebuilding the relationships depression has stolen. Some of those relationships may never be rebuilt. That's heartbreakingly sad. I will survive though. Depression kills. It's not just sadness. It's not 'being a bit down'. The episode I have been suffering intruded so much that I couldn't see any future. Although I still see a dark and difficult view of the world, I now see a world with me in it. A small improvement. Alot more hope.
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