Motherhood, Madness, God and Me

Last night I went out. I went out with the school mums. This time last week I was in a psychiatric hospital. Crying everytime anyone spoke to me and taking 2 naps a day. I didn't want to go. I didn't reply to excited planning messages. I made myself go. It was a fun night but throughout I was plagued with guilt. How could I be enjoying myself when a week ago I nearly died. How could I be dancing away when my husband's heart was heavy with worry. How could I be smiling when I had hurt those around me. Towards the end of the evening it changed. What would I do if I just left now? Nobody would notice until morning. There would be no police call. For that reason I stayed until the end. So I wasn't alone. The photos of a smiling me are on facebook. You can't see the battle going on behind the laughing and dancing. The guilt. The doubt. The 'why on earth did they invite a boring and horrible person like me' thoughts. They can't see the shattered mind t...

I am nothing. Worthless. My internal voice repeats it over and over. You are nothing. How can you be worth anything if your children aren't enough to keep you alive. How can you be anything if you put your husband through this. How you have treated people you called your friends the way you have. They've turned away. Selfish. You are nothing. You aren't worth anyone's time. Just hurry up and do it. Save everybody time and worry. You are nothing.

Being depressed has made me feel bad, or perhaps being bad has made me depressed. I have been treated like a naughty school girl by some. I feel I have ruined everything. Upset people without that being my intention at all. I have tried to express my feelings but hurt others in the process. I feel like a bad person. A person who couldn't possibly be loved or wanted or ever be considered to be good. I can't forgive myself. Being picked up by kindly police who were adamant I wasn't a criminal they were just keeping ME safe kind of added to the feeling of being a waste of space. A bad person. A person who could get better if only they tried. A person who has choice over her behaviour. A person who obviously can't be trusted especially around children. Mad. Perhaps I am mad. Being on a psychiatric unit can make you feel that way. Locked doors, cutlery used under supervision, 15 minute checks on your wellbeing. Your clothes being searched, your shoes taken away. Being hand...

Never has the bible explained my head so well. Lord you are the God who saves me; Day and night I cry out to you. My prayer comes before you. Turn your ear to my cry. I am overwhelmed with troubles. My life draws near to death. I am counted among those who go down to the pit. I am like one with no strength. I am set apart with the dead, Like the slain who lie in the grave, Who you remember no more, Who are cut off from your prayer. You have put me in the lowest pit, in the darkest depths. Your wrath lies heavily upon me. You have overwhelmed me with your waves. You have taken from me my closest friends and have made me repulsive to them. I am confined and cannot escape My eyes dim with grief. I call to you everyday I spread out my hands to you Do you show your wonders to the dead? Do their spirits rise up and praise you? Is your love declared in the grave, Your faithfulness in destruction? Are your wonders known in the place of darkness? Or your righteous deeds in the land of...

I have spent the last few days despairing. Sobbing whenever somebody spoke to me, doubting that I will ever fully recover, worrying my relationships with my husband and friends will be forever changed for the worse or even over. However, despite the tears and depression, which is still as deep and dark as ever, for the first time in 7 months I don't see that this illness will kill me. For the last half a year I have had a longing for death. A sense that it was imminent and inevitable that I would take my own life. Today I am depressed, sad, afraid and full of anxiety. I don't want to die though. I accept I can recover. I am scared of how recovery will look. I know it's going to be hard and painful, as is rebuilding the relationships depression has stolen. Some of those relationships may never be rebuilt. That's heartbreakingly sad. I will survive though. Depression kills. It's not just sadness. It's not 'being a bit down'. The episode I have been suff...

Things I need to work on. Forgiveness. I need to look on those who have hurt me, intentionally or not. Out of lack of understanding or malice. I need to forgive. I have received forgiveness from people who I have hurt due to not being able to forgive their unintentional harm. I opened my bible at random and the study section is healing relationships. The key is forgiveness. The suggestions are: A truthful view of the offense, neither downplaying or exaggerating. I think this maybe where I am struggling. My mind exaggerates at the moment. Problems seem much larger than they are. However, I am also vulnerable. I am vulnerable to being convinced things are just in my head. I manage to do both in the same thought. Acknowledge the hurt and emotions that come with that. I have been hurt. I have felt judged, abandoned, lost, despised and abnormal. I have felt alone in my suffering and unwanted. Forgive freely. I forgive those whose actions have hurt me, whether intentionally or not. Con...

I'm wearing my Harry Potter shirt today. In the Deathly Hallows when Hermione uses 'obliviate' so her parents forget her is a moving scene. I wish I was Hermione Granger. I would obliviate my mind, and my loved ones. We would forget this pain, what's happened. Normality would resume. I could forget the broken relationships caused by my paranoia and people's lack of understanding. I could forget my muddled mind and have a focused way to go. I would be free from the embarrassment of speaking to the people I have hurt, and those who have seen me at my worst. I would obliviate the memories of my family and friends until this summer so I could once again create an illusion that I was capable, good at things even. If anyone is able to cast a patronus, that would also be much appreciated. I think the dementors are nearby. It may even be too late. I'm pretty sure one has already kissed me. If I was Hermione Granger I would have produced my little silvery otter and b...