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Who am I?

Who am I? Deep down. In the centre. In the rational part of my mind. Who am I really? Am I who I fear I am? Stubborn, selfish, a failure, needy, a burden, not good enough, unliked, a bad mother, a failure. What would a friend say about me? I can't really think. I know who I wish I could be. I wish I was good enough. I wish I had the confidence in myself to fight for what is true without being swayed into thinking I shouldn't. To be thought of as kind. To be confident I am precious to God. To be productive. To feel I have purpose. My trouble is finding evidence for these things. Whilst I desperately want to be a Christian, I'm struggling. I feel abandoned. I feel ostracised by my church and unable to engage with God because it is too painful a reminder. I am ashamed of this mindset. I'm not productive. Most days I don't leave my house. I've not worked in months and can never see myself going back to a job I loved. I'm not kind. I'm bitter and angry. I'm self absorbed. My husband is my carer and a recent assessment states the huge pressure he is under because of me. My friends have given up because they realise I am not who I have pretended to be. I'm told to be balanced. Look for alternative views. Obsess over the positives for once. Be compassionate to myself. How? I don't know. All I can see is that I tried to be that person I wanted. I tried so hard I had a nervous breakdown. I'm not that person. I can't imagine anyone saying anything positive about me. Why should they. It's not their responsibility. Even my mum thinly veils her compliments I am precious and loved with her view I am rude, uncaring and convinced I am right. But it's ok. It must be a manic episode. It's not a health issue. It's my character.

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