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Worst mum

My baby is very unwell. He was taken to hospital last night and blue lighted to Great Ormond street hospital at 2 this morning. His tummy hurts. He's covered in drips. He's being very brave with his Daddy. It should be me. I should be holding his hand. Cuddling him. I should be taking him down to theatre and kissing him goodnight. Instead I am here. I am not managing the lack of comfort from my loved ones, the feeling forgotten. Imagine how my boy must feel. I am the worst mother. The scariest, most painful experience of his life and I am nowhere to be seen. Because I am a selfish stupid woman who couldn't keep her shit together. They both deserve so much better. They promised I could be seen urgently this morning. It's not happened. I got very distressed last night. I don't think that will look good. I will not get better here. I've said it all along. With this added guilt. It finalises that I have failed them. Again. They deserve more. He said he wanted me to kiss him better. Over the phone just isn't the same.

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