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Another date passes

I thought September. That flew by pretty quickly though. Then I set half term as a goal. Nope. Christmas then. Surely I'll be better for setting up the stable and nativity plays. No. In fact things were worse than ever. No contact at all. So...parish weekend. I love those. I love working with the children whilst they enjoy a special holiday with their friends and can be immersed in God's love for a whole weekend. No. That's today. I am not part of it. Holiday club will come and go. Another failure. Then soon it will be a year. It's an unending, lonely expanse of isolation and sadness. How on earth can I be expected to walk into a church where I have been abandoned. Where my dearest friend is not allowed to talk to me. I am forever tainted. You can make all sorts of promises about not judging me. All sorts of noises about loving us. The reality is when I needed to be held, you stepped away. When I needed to know I had purpose, you questioned my faith. When I needed a friend, you clung to your hierarchy. I'm not stupid enough to believe that a leadership role is on the horizon. I don't buy that I am being protected either. It's about arse covering, not preventing harm to me. Yes I'm impatient. I should trust that God has this in hand and all will be revealed one day. I am tired. Tired of constant sadness and feelings of loss. Tired of waiting. I reached my life's peak at 30. A close relationship with God, serving Him joyfully, wonderful fellowship, two interesting and wonderful children, a nice husband, a good career, money, a lovely home. I was thin too! Everything was exciting! My career, my ministry, how in love with God I felt. Now I am here. Tainted by a frightening illness nobody understands. Isolated from church, my prayer life far away from what it was. No job. A disabled child. A husband with a permanent worry line. Fat. No hope. I tried to cling onto my faith. For months my bible was all I had. All that was real. Eventually I couldn't see anything more in there. I felt betrayed by God's earthly representatives. Not betrayed by God but relationship with Him reminded me of everything I was and now wasn't. Everything I had and now didn't. So as each date passes recovery seems a little less likely. As each date passes everybody else's life moves on. As each date passes I lose a little more hope. As each date passes another bit of me dies.

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