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What I'd like to do!

WARNING NOT FOR THE EASILY OFFENDED OR CHILD OF READING AGE BUT INNOCENT MIND You think I am critical and angry? You think I overreact? A large amount of communication I have is written, via text or email. It allows me to be more measured, and I think some people like to have evidence of conversations. Even in speech I do try to be measured. I was never a shouter really. I try incredibly hard to come across as rational and in control. I try my best to be balanced. I try to be polite. I try to be truthful. Do you know what though? Sometimes I just feel like shouting "Fuck off!" Sometimes I really feel the need to reply and really show my feelings. I want to stand and shake you whilst telling you that I am fucking pissed off and I don't deserve to be spoken to like I'm crazy, or a fucking child. I want to stamp my feet and say I don't fucking care if I upset you because you have hurt me more than you can imagine. Whilst I don't really mean it, for that split second I do. I want you to know that this is not OK. I want to say to people who helped create this jumbled brain of mine. Those who when I really had no choice used me, took advantage of me, bullied me and placed unrealistic expectations on tiny shoulders. I want to say "This is your fault and I don't forgive you." I want them to feel the guilt that I've carried round my life. To those who later have added evidence to my poor self belief, I know it was probably unintentional but sometimes I want to say "Fuck you and your lovely life and ability to not give a fuck!". I want to show you the mess behind the all together exterior. I don't like this part of me. The dark, nasty, sinful part of me I have always pushed down. Hiding so nobody knows, but now you have seen a glimpse I wonder what the point of covering it up. You see me as mad, angry, obsessive and unreasonable. Sometimes you try to hide it but you aren't as good at cover ups as me! So what I really want to say is "Fuck you. Fuck your self righteousness judgyness and holier than thou attitude. Fuck your little cliques and inside jokes. Fuck you and your perfect lives. Fuck you and your hope. Fuck you and your pretence that you care. Fuck you and your opinions of me, your assessments and your opinion on my character, sanity and opinions. Fuck fuckity fuck fuck fuck. I don't fucking care if I upset you and I don't fucking care if this makes me look fucking crazy. You have all helped me to create this mess. You all profited from nice, quiet, compliant me and you all watched me run myself into the ground. YES mostly I am to blame, biology, sense of self, bad luck but you all could have made a little difference, which may have altered one of my negative core beliefs. So Fuck off and leave me to fucking pick up the pieces. Fuck off and stop adding to the pile of shit I'm trying to brush off. I don't fucking care if it's not your fault, if you think it's for the best, you are trying to protect me or any of that bull shit. Unless you are coming to hold my hand, tell me it's hard but you love me and will not leave me even though I'm not the saintly being you once loved, and actually have the balls to keep that promise, then you can FUCK OFF!!! Only of course I don't say that. Maybe I would feel better if I did. Maybe you'd see that I cannot take anymore of this. Maybe you'd think before you add one more tiny straw onto my back, one more tiny nudge towards the edge of the cliff. Then again you'd think hanging from a fence on a cold, damp October evening may have summed up these sentiments more succinctly. Normal service will resume shortly.

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