Today was the day we had all been waiting for. My first session of psychotherapy. I was referred in August, assessed in November and today was my first appointment.
I filled in the homework, questionnaires regarding my mood, my medication, the impact on my life, my parents, my relationships, my siblings, my education and my kids.
I didn't even cry today. I was talking about things that have been hurting for so long that there isn't any pain anymore. I don't expect anything different. Things that are so far back that I can't really remember much of how it felt, because it was so ordinary for me. How did it feel keeping it a secret? Truthfully? There were so many secrets that I got very good at putting on a face, not feeling, or hiding.
I'm still tired. I'm still uncertain this will be the magical answer.
She asked about my diagnosis. We discussed that bipolar had been suggested. She disagreed, so do I. She asked what I thought my diagnosis was. I didn't answer. She said we would work on that. I didn't want to say what I know they all think. That this is more than a depressive episode.
I am not a psychiatrist but as I see it and from my knowledge of child development, I suffer from neglect. Neglect of my physical and emotional needs from infancy and self neglect ever since. I am a perfectionist. I am a rescuer. I am tired.
Those diagnoses aren't in the book.
Back next week, with a warning things may get worse for a time. Today I tried so hard. I wanted to squeeze every second of this precious therapy we have waited and hoped for. Is it optimism I feel today? Or is it wishful thinking like when I convinced myself I could pretend I wasn't suicidal and if I could convince others I almost could believe it myself? It's hard to tell.
Tomorrow is a new day, Full of new promises, When you rush through the day, Tomorrow is always there to say, Don't worry tomorrow it can be done, Tomorrow we can try again. Tomorrow's exciting promise, Every morning when you wake. A bit more time to finish today. More time to play They say Don't leave till tomorrow, Why you can do today. Sometimes tomorrow seems the same. Tomorrow is so different from today. No joy before you settle down, Tomorrow you'll still feel like you'll drown. What if tomorrow never came? What if today was the end. Would you regret the things you put off? Would you ponder if that phonecall, That text, that knock on the door, Shouldn't have been tomorrow's chore? Would you beg for another tomorrow? Would you mourn your yesterday. Today someone needs you. That phone call can't wait. A chat, a cuddle, a hand to hold, Responding may mean more than gold. So don't put it off, don't delay. Someone...
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