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Learning from my son

Today my psychologist noticed that I am polite, articulate and calm. She doesn't believe this reflects my feelings and I avoid answering her when she asks how I feel. We started in silence. After a while when even I, trained to include silence as a tool for listening, felt it had gone on too long. "What is happening for you?" she asked. I said I was ok. "What does OK mean for you?" I don't really know. I guess ok means I'm not imminently going to try and end my life. "Ahhh yes I wondered that". We ended up discussing my son saying he hated me this week. We discussed the reasons for being angry. She pointed out that he was angry and he was able to safely express his hurt, anger and yes, hate. Why am I not entitled to do this? Perhaps I need to learn from him. My psychologist seems to want me to be pissed of with her. She makes too much sense and now I wonder if she's slipping stuff in to try and get me angry. Like suggesting my children had learned to live with a mother who was trying to kill herself. My kids have no idea. They have been told I am sick. We didn't have time to explore why. I know that I have been unable to. I said I feared that if I admitted feelings of hate, anger, hurt, jealousy that people would hate me. I accepted that my therapist would not judge but I would judge myself. I despise these parts of my character and try to hide them, but also when I have shown anger or disappointed recently it has been very poorly received by others. Still so much uncertainty regarding who will see me for treatment. What is the plan for church. I hate this waiting. This was supposed to be the answer but it's uncertain who I will see and when and the time goes so fast, then I'm alone for another week. It sounds so simple. Wait it out.

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