A Picture

They say a picture paints a 1000 words.
I found this one on Pinterest today.

This could be me. In fact this has been me. I have sat in the corner of a cold, bare, clinical looking room more times in the past year than I care to remember.

This is exactly what I looked like. I'm pretty certain that even the demons were visible. I could feel them.

This is what I look like still. I cannot shift it. I. Have. Tried. I try to repeat Scripture. I try to sing worship songs on loop, meaning every single world. Praying I will believe it's true and will deafening the demons.

I take various concoctions. It's not just simple antidepressants. I allow myself to be drugged with poison that gives me dry mouth, hideous night sweats and hot flushes.  Drugs which despite not breastfeeding for 3 years cause me to lactate. Drugs which make me ravenous and have caused me to go from a size 8 to a 16.  Drugs which cause constipation, high blood pressure and diabetes.

Even though my diagnosis remains as major depression and the highest dose drug is an anti depressant, for some reason other mind altering drugs can work with anti depressants so there is an anti seizure medicine, an anti psychotic despite never having psychosis. I take anti sickness meds for the sedative effect and heart medication to reduce the physical problems caused by the anti depressants and the anxiety I suffer from.

I go to therapy appointments. I call for help when needed. I visit the GP. I give even crazy pseudo science like colour therapy a go because who knows maybe it will work?

I am trying. I am exhausted from trying. I have done all anyone has asked. Pray, trust God, read the Bible, take this tablet and that tablet. Try this alternative therapy, see this person, go to this group. Don't write your blog, do write your blog. Come to church. Avoid church. Rest. Exercise. Go into hospital. Stay at home.

I really have tried. This. This is still what it feels like to be me.