Skip to main content

Samaritans

I can't say the words out loud. I can usually type them, and if the right question is asked they tumble out of my mouth quickly once I've started.

I can't just say "help me" or "I'm scared". Even when asked it is difficult to get started.

The past few days I have been texting the samaritans. It's quicker than emailing but easier for me than phoning and also more private for me too. It takes around an hour for a reply, sometimes less. This is useful for me as my most helpful strategy is delaying action.

The straight forward question threw me last night. Even by text I had not actually used the words. I had explained how I had planned. How pointless and hopeless I was feeling. A few hours in I received a simple reply.

Do you want to end your life?

Not "have you had thoughts of harming yourself?" or "do you have a plan to harm yourself? 

I'm not sure that it was that plainly asked ever before. I struggled to answer. The questions above I am asked often and the honest answer has been yes for the past year. I couldn't say a straight yes to this question though.

I don't want to end my life. Does anyone really want to? Does anyone want to know at they will be mourned greatly by even just one person? Does anyone want to dive nose first into uncertainty? Even those of us with great faith know that not all has been revealed yet.

I don't want to live. Not like this. I can't see a change happening or a future. I really am left with 2 unappealing options, I want neither. Like the choice of dying of thirst or dying of cholera.

I'm not sure I know the answer. I am grateful to the people (it's clearly more than 1) who spent their night reading and replying. Not judging. Using kind words and giving me food for thought.

I knew if I took the decision I wouldn't be alone in that. It's not love. It's not a friend holding my hand. It is compassion though. Compassion goes a long way.

07725909090 is the text number for The Samaritans. It is not widely advertised (email, phone and postal contacts are).

Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Tomorrow a Poem.

Tomorrow is a new day, Full of new promises, When you rush through the day, Tomorrow is always there to say, Don't worry tomorrow it can be done, Tomorrow we can try again. Tomorrow's exciting promise, Every morning when you wake. A bit more time to finish today. More time to play They say Don't leave till tomorrow, Why you can do today. Sometimes tomorrow seems the same. Tomorrow is so different from today. No joy before you settle down, Tomorrow you'll still feel like you'll drown. What if tomorrow never came? What if today was the end. Would you regret the things you put off? Would you ponder if that phonecall, That text, that knock on the door, Shouldn't have been tomorrow's chore? Would you beg for another tomorrow? Would you mourn your yesterday. Today someone needs you. That phone call can't wait. A chat, a cuddle, a hand to hold, Responding may mean more than gold. So don't put it off, don't delay. Someone...
2 comments
Read more

Elusive Recovery

How do you get better? How do you recover? Do you suddenly wake with hope? Do you feel differently? Do you just notice after it has happened? What is recovery? Is recovery real?  How long does recovery take? Is it even possible? How will I know what recovery looks like? Why does it take so long? So long I gave up hope. What do I need to do now? To end this nightmare forever. I don't know how much longer I can bear this. How can I continue? To face another day. It feels like this will never end. They say it happens slowly. That recovery is possible for me. Do they really know that? Can it really be true? Is recovery possible? Is there a flicker of hope? Or is it just a fairy tale that's not truth? Each day that passes by, Hope slips further away. I feel this is life forever. The tunnel light seems dimmer. No hope, no light, just darkness forever more. I cannot see past this. The pain overwhelms me. I'm deep in a pit of despair. Recovery is a ...
Post a Comment
Read more

A bed day

Today is a bed day. It's one of those days when I know I am safe if I sleep. It's a day when the energy to unload the washing I started 2 days ago evades me despite knowing there are no clean jumpers for school tomorrow. It's a day when the pyjamas are spread round the lounge, last night's washing up remains littered around the kitchen. The curtains are closed. It's a day when I hide under the covers wishing I had never made a stupid contract not to harm myself with my therapist. It's a day where bed really is the only thing I can manage. Where I would love a friend to come and hold my hand but I can't reach out to anyone to do so. Today is a day when I realise why my mother spent so much of my childhood in bed and fear my children will grow up with the same feeling of abandonment that I did. Where I feel both pain, shame and loss all at once. Today is a day my husband will carefully check I am still breathing when he comes in. Just in case. Today is...
Post a Comment
Read more