Skip to main content

When the words don't come

I cannot say the words. There are no words.

I don't want to phone. I don't know what to say. I don't want to waste anyone's time or you to think I am seeking attention.

If I did phone I'm afraid of what might happen. What you will do. Who you will call. Who it will hurt.

I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say apart from help. Take this from me. Make it so everything is normal. So I don't want to leave. So I don't feel alone. So I am not judged, wasting time, making everyone unhappy.

Help me. Please help me.

It hurts. I don't know how I can live anymore. I don't see a future. Although I have made plans, they are things to love and serve people. Activities for the children. Lifts for relatives. They fill me with dread. I even applied for a job but the interview offer sits unanswered. Scared of facing more rejection, or worse failing at something again.

I've got the time. I've got the resources. For me there is no concern. My concern is my husband and children. I don't want to to hurt them. I don't care if I die. I wish it wasn't like this. I can't bare seeing our lives fall apart because of me. I just don't want to be here. I am so confused and feel so alone.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Tomorrow a Poem.

Tomorrow is a new day, Full of new promises, When you rush through the day, Tomorrow is always there to say, Don't worry tomorrow it can be done, Tomorrow we can try again. Tomorrow's exciting promise, Every morning when you wake. A bit more time to finish today. More time to play They say Don't leave till tomorrow, Why you can do today. Sometimes tomorrow seems the same. Tomorrow is so different from today. No joy before you settle down, Tomorrow you'll still feel like you'll drown. What if tomorrow never came? What if today was the end. Would you regret the things you put off? Would you ponder if that phonecall, That text, that knock on the door, Shouldn't have been tomorrow's chore? Would you beg for another tomorrow? Would you mourn your yesterday. Today someone needs you. That phone call can't wait. A chat, a cuddle, a hand to hold, Responding may mean more than gold. So don't put it off, don't delay. Someone...
2 comments
Read more

Mindfulness

Mindfulness is not new to me. When I was in 6th form and was suffering huge family upheaval (3 house moves in years, new baby, new step dad, new siblings, contact issues with birth father, mother with severe postnatal depression and step dad going (successfully) back to rehab) the school nurse was asked to help me with my anxiety levels. She talked me through what I later learned (10 years later) was a mindfulness body scan. I was reminded of this whenever I met an anxious mother and would talk them through this meditation. One day, whilst myself working as a school nurse I came across the nurse who taught me this technique. She didn't remember me, and was now working in mental health. A mother praised how I had helped her with relaxation techniques in a meeting we were both attending. I admitted after the meeting that it was this lady who had taught me when I was 17 and anxious. I revisited relaxation during my first pregnancy. Hideous hyperemesis     consumed me...
1 comment
Read more

Good deeds or Prayer?

What good is it, my brothers and sisters, if someone claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save them? Suppose a brother or a sister is without clothes and daily food. If one of you says to them, “Go in peace; keep warm and well fed,” but does nothing about their physical needs, what good is it? In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead. (James 2:14 to 17) We know that we are saved by grace alone but sometimes our prayers are not enough. Our works are how God shows His love through us as Christians. I'm drawn to the parable of the Good Samaritan. I cannot fathom how mature, educated and usually servant hearted Christians can excuse physically turning away from a suffering church member. I am truly trying to understand how this action can be seen as loving, biblical or even humane. Removing previous support and care in a time of great trial and need. It is not God I am questioning. It is that this decision is accepted by...
Post a Comment
Read more